Friday, 30 September 2016

Naked POTUS, number 10: John Tyler

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN


He's not got any clothes on but I assure you that this is John Tyler (1790-1862), the tenth President of the United States. Let's find out more:

JOHN TYLER

Born 29th March 1790, Charles City County, Virginia
Died 18th January 1862, Richmond, Virginia

Presidential Term 6th April 1841 - 4th March 1845

John Tyler's actions following the death of President Harrison in April 1841 established a precedent for Presidential Succession that is now enshrined in the US Constitution. Tyler had been elected Vice President in 1840 and upon Harrison's death he took it upon himself to assume all of his duties. 

Shortly afterwards Tyler blocked the formation of the American Third Bank. This led to the entire cabinet, save for Secretary of State Daniel Webster, resigning in protest. Tyler spent the remainder of his Presidency without a party behind him.

Three days before the end of his Presidency, Tyler ratified the annexation of Texas, the first step towards its admission to the Union. On the final day of Tyler's administration, the US expanded to 27 States, with the addition of Florida.

Tyler oversaw both the Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1842, establishing the border between the US and Canada in Maine; and the Treaty of Wanghia, which established US trade access to Chinese ports.

Tyler was the first President of the USA to have been born within the US Presidential era.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 9: William Henry Harrison

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN


Willy in the breeze, it is William Henry Harrison (1773-1841), ninth President of the United States. He'll catch his death of cold, dressed like that. Here are some facts:

WILLIAM H. HARRISON

Born 9th February 1773, Charles City County, Virginia
Died 4th April 1841, Washington D.C.

Presidential Term 4th March 1841 - 4th April 1841

William Harrison holds a number of distinctions as US President. He was the last to have been born as a British subject: Harrison was 3 years old at the time of the Declaration of Independence. Harrison was also the first President of the United States to have died in office and his Presidency is the shortest in US history at just 31 days. Although the possibility remains that Donald Trump could make Harrison's administration look like Franklin Roosevelt's.

Harrison rose to national prominence due to his military service and his role in the Battle of Tippecanoe in 1811, where the US army put down the Indian Confederacy led by Tecumseh. Harrison's early demise led to Tecumseh's Curse: no President elected in a year ending with 0 survived their full four year term again until Ronald Reagan in 1980, although he narrowly escaped death by assassination.

He won the 1840 Presidential election with 80% of the vote. It was also the first Presidential campaign to feature campaign advertisements and slogans.

Harrison caught cold giving a lengthy address at his Inauguration in a freezing cold and rainy Washington D.C. However, this is not considered to be the likely cause of his death, as the pneumonia which eventually took his life did not emerge until three weeks after that event.

At the time of his election, Harrison was the oldest man ever to assume the Presidency. He was the grandfather of Benjamin Harrison, the 23rd President.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 8: Martin Van Buren

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN


He's not got anything on but this is still Martin Van Buren (1782-1862), the eighth President of the United States. Here are the pertinent details:

MARTIN VAN BUREN

Born 5th December 1782, Kinderhook, New York
Died 24th July 1862, Kinderhook, New York

Presidential Term 4th March 1837 - 4th March 1841

Martin Van Buren was of Dutch descent but he was also the first President to have been born after the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776, technically making him the first American to be the US President.

Van Buren rose to national prominence as a member of Andrew Jackson's Kitchen Cabinet, his personal cadre of advisors. The Whig Party were established in the US to oppose the Jackson administration and Van Buren beat the three candidates they put up nationwide in an attempt to reduce the Democrat vote.

His Presidency was largely uneventful but began with the Panic of 1837, an economic depression which ultimately led to the establishment of an independent Treasury. It also saw the second Seminole War and some more delicious ethnic cleansing of Native American tribes in the name of progress.

Van Buren also blocked the admission of Texas into the Union because their stance on slavery would have upset the balance established by the Missouri Compromise.

Van Buren served a single term as US President, unsuccessfully seeking re-election in both 1840 and 1844.

He was the second-shortest US President, standing 5 feet 6 inches. He is the only American President to have spoken English as a second language. His first language was Dutch.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 7: Andrew Jackson

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN


With the fresh air gently feathering his balls, it's Andrew Jackson (1767-1845), the seventh President of the United States. Let's learn.

ANDREW JACKSON

Born 15th March 1767, Waxhaws, North Carolina
Died 8th June 1845, Nashville, Tennessee

Presidential Term 4th March 1829 - 4th March 1837

Andrew Jackson was one of the most beloved Presidents in American history, the first to be elected due to his popularity rather than his politics. A distinguished soldier in the US military, by the 1812 War he had risen to the rank of Major General and his reputation was cemented when the forces he commanded defeated the English at the Battle of New Orleans in 1815. This took place several months after the Treaty of Gent had ended the 1812 War but they didn't have mobile phones or Twitter at that time and it took a while for the news to get through.

He was popularly known as Old Hickory, although this most likely had nothing to do with the dimensions of his penis.

Having narrowly lost out to John Quincy Adams in the 1824 Presidential election, Jackson received his party's nomination as their candidate for the 1828 election a full three years ahead of time.

Jackson was the second widower to serve as President of the United States. His wife, Rachel Donelson Jackson died a few months before he took office, perhaps as a result of an adultery scandal: Donelson had married Jackson in 1791 believing herself to be divorced but this was later proven to not be the case.

Jackson used his Presidential Veto more times than any of his predecessors, earning himself the moniker "King Andrew" among his critics.

Jackson was the first US President to be the subject of an attempted assassination. On 30th January 1835, unemployed house painter Richard Lawrence fired a gun at him as he was leaving a funeral held at the Capitol. Lawrence's gun misfired and Jackson took the opportunity to beat his assailant with his walking stick. The occasion left Jackson paranoid for the remainder of his life.

During Jackson's Presidency, the Union expanded to 26 member States, with the admission of Arkansas (1836) and Michigan (1837).

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 6: John Quincy Adams

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN


The sixth President of the United States, which is six more items of clothing than he is wearing, was John Quincy Adams (1767-1848). Let's learn all about him.

JOHN QUINCY ADAMS

Born 11th July 1767, Braintree, Massachusetts
Died 23rd February 1848, Washington D.C.

Presidential Term 4th March 1825 - 4th March 1829

John Quincy Adams was the son of John Adams, the second President of the United States. He was the first relative of a President to himself serve in that office. He spent much of his childhood in Europe, where his father was serving ambassadorial roles. He attended school in both Paris and Amsterdam. 

Quincy Adams' wife, Louisa Johnson Adams, was English. She remains the only non-US citizen to be the First Lady.

Perhaps owing to his background, Adams spent much of his early political career in Europe as the US Ambassador to the Netherlands. He also served as the chief negotiator for peace with the UK after the 1812 war.

Adams won one of the narrowest elections in American history. With electoral college votes tied, the decision on who the President would be fell to the House of Representatives. Some behind the scenes horse trading saw Adams get the nod from Andrew Jackson, despite Jackson winning more of the popular vote. This came to be known as the Corrupt Bargain.

As a result of the means of his election, Adams was a dead duck President, largely unable to get through any of his legislation due to a lack of support. He followed in his father's footsteps and became the second single-term President of the US. 

John Quincy Adams is the only US President to serve in the US Congress after his Presidency.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Thursday, 29 September 2016

Naked POTUS, number 5: James Monroe

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN


In plain view, it's James Monroe (1758-1831), the fifth President of the United States. Let's find out about him:

JAMES MONROE

Born 28th April 1758, Westmoreland County, Virginia
Died 4th July 1831, New York City, New York

Presidential Term 4th March 1817 - 4th March 1825

James Monroe was the third President of the United States to die on Independence Day, although not on Independence Day. The latter is a science-fiction action blockbuster film starring Will Smith. He was also the first American President to die outside his home State. Careless.

Monroe is primarily remembered for establishing the Monroe Doctrine, which still informs US foreign policy up to the present day. It stated that the American continents must no longer be considered as subjects for colonisation by foreign powers and that the United States had an important role in policing and defending this.

Monroe was a staunch anti-federalist and fought to enforce the right for individual States to pursue their own laws. Which is all very well until you get your cock out.

His Presidency was marked by a period of such stability and absence of partisanship that he stood unopposed at the 1820 Presidential Election, winning all but one Electoral College vote. Which was his wife's. 

Monroe was a former US Ambassador to France and was recalled to the United States by Thomas Jefferson to help negotiate the Louisiana Purchase. As a result of this vast territorial expansion, the Union duly expanded by five States during Monroe's Presidency: Mississippi (1817), Illinois and Alabama (both 1818), Maine (1820) and Missouri (1821). By the end of his term, the USA had 24 States.

Other notable events of the Monroe Presidency included the First Seminole War of 1817-18, where US troops quashed an uprising by Seminole Indians, who were invading Georgia from Spanish-held Florida. He also signed the Missouri Compromise, a document trying to balance the demands of slave States and non-slave States, which helped delay the outbreak of Civil War for several decades.

Liberia's capital city, Monrovia, is named for James Monroe.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 4: James Madison

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

With his bits flapping, it's James Madison (1751-1836), the fourth President of the United States. Facts are as follows:

JAMES MADISON

Born 16th March 1751, Port Conway, Virginia
Died 28th June 1836, Orange, Virginia

Presidential Term 4th March 1809 - 4th March 1817

James Madison is remembered as the Father of the US Constitution. While he was not responsible for writing the entire document, he was a central figure in its production. Madison was also a significant author of the Bill of Rights (1791).

The most notable event of the Madison Presidency was the war of 1812, With England seemingly completely unwilling to stop attacking American ships, the United States declared war. They initially suffered heavy losses, ceding the city of Detroit without a shot having been fired and seeing several key buildings in Washington D.C., including the White House, burn down. However, they quickly consolidated their position thanks to their naval strength and the British were defeated at the Battle of Lake Erie. The war petered out as a stalemate by 1814 and Britain gave Detroit back in the end. Which was civil of them.

Two States joined the Union during the Madison Presidency: Louisiana (1812) and Indiana (1816). These were the eighteenth and nineteenth admissions.

James Madison remains the shortest of the 43 Presidents of the United States, standing at 1.63 metres (or 5 feet 4 inches), a full five centimetres (two inches) shorter than the next shortest President, Martin Van Buren. Maybe his mother was a smoker, who knows?

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 3: Thomas Jefferson

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN


Here in the nip is Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826). He's that famous American scholar who WAS President, as opposed to Benjamin Franklin, the famous American scholar who wasn't. Facts:

THOMAS JEFFERSON

Born 13th April 1743, Shadwell, Virginia
Died 4th July 1826, Charlottesville, Virginia

Presidential Term 4th March 1801 - 4th March 1809

Thomas Jefferson was the last President of the United States to have been a signatory to the Declaration of Independence in 1776. He was also responsible for drafting the document. All together now: "...We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,...". The clever old goose.

Thomas Jefferson's election saw the first time that the party represented by the President changed; from Federalist to Democratic-Republican. He called this "the revolution of 1800". Which was doing it a bit brown.

Thomas Jefferson's Presidency saw a number of significant events. He oversaw the Louisiana Purchase in 1803, where the US bought large tracts of land west of the Mississippi river from France. It cost sixteen pounds. The following year, the expedition of Lewis and Clark began. Commissioned by Jefferson following the Louisiana Purchase, it sought to discover what else lay beyond the horizon in the continental US, in order that it might be bought or taken by force. Spoiler: it eventually all was.

In 1807, the slave trade was abolished. This would almost certainly prevent any further slavery-related intrigue occurring in 19th Century America.

During Jefferson's Presidency, a seventeenth State joined the Union: Ohio, on 1st March 1803.

Thomas Jefferson was the first American President to not have a First Lady: he was a widower throughout entire Presidential term, his wife Martha having died in 1782.

Jefferson and his erstwhile political rival (later close friend and correspondent) John Adams - the second President of the United States - both died on 4th July 1826, separated by a matter of hours. That day was the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, for which both men were present.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 2: John Adams

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked"  - BOB DYLAN, an American himself.

Here is John Adams (1735-1826). He's got nothing on, which is his right. He has earned this right, by being the President of the United States.  Here are the facts:

JOHN ADAMS

Born 30th October 1735, Braintree, Massachusetts
Died 4th July 1826, Quincy, Massachusetts

Presidential Term 4th March 1797 - 4th March 1801

John Adams was the first President of the United States to have been one of the signatories of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. He was also the first American President to only serve one term of office.

His Vice-President was Thomas Jefferson, who would replace him as President. Ungrateful. Adams and Jefferson were bitter rivals throughout their political careers but became close friends and regular correspondents in later life.

During his term of office, the capital of the United States was formalised in Washington, D.C. Before this, Congress had met in various major cities on the east coast of the USA including Philadelphia, New York City and Annapolis, Maryland.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 1: George Washington

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked", as Bob Dylan quite correctly pointed out. For instance, they might be one of those people who don't feel comfortable doing a poo with any clothes on.


Standing before you as pink and perfect as the day he was born is George Washington (1732-1799). Even the really stupid amongst you, people who voted for Brexit or think Donald Trump is a force for good for instance, will almost certainly know that George Washington was the first President of the United States, having handed the British a whupping the likes of which they would never forget.

Ironically enough, most British people have forgotten about it, but we still remember you, George. Here's a George Washington fact file so that you can at least leave this situation a little wiser.

GEORGE WASHINGTON

Born 22nd February 1732, Westmoreland County, Virginia.
Died 14th December 1799, Mount Vernon, Virginia

Presidential Term 30th April 1789 - 4th March 1797

George Washington remains the only US President to have been elected unanimously. His refusal to stand for a third term of office is the reason that American Presidents would serve a maximum of eight years. This limit has since been enshrined in the US Constitution by the 22nd Amendment in 1947.

During his Presidency, three States joined the Union: Vermont (1791), Kentucky (1792) and Tennessee (1796). It also saw the ratification of the US Bill of Rights in 1791.

In spite of his central role to the American Revolutionary War and the United States' independence from the United Kingdom, George Washington was not one of the 56 signatories on the Declaration of Independence in 1776.

At 1.88 metres in height, George Washington is the fourth tallest American President. He is one of four American Presidents to be depicted on the side of Mount Rushmore.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Attention

You have reached the bottom of the internet