Tuesday, 25 October 2016

337 songs that changed your life

Last Saturday evening, hungover to tits and listening to The Velvet Underground, the conversation turned to the maddeningly inexact science that is musical taste. As with any such discussion, the issue of the one song that you really cannot stand was never far from our thoughts.

In a moment of idle curiosity, I asked Twitter for some nominations.

The moment that torpedoed my next 72 hours

It is safe to say that I had never anticipated what would happen next. By Sunday afternoon, my Twitter notifications were giving me a microcosmic indication of what it might be like to be famous. It turns out that being famous isn't all cocaine and hookers: or rather, if it is, those people aren't on Twitter. You wouldn't have the time: it turns what is normally a desert of anguish and boredom into a full-time occupation. I tried to imagine what it would be like if a significant proportion of each new tranche of notifications were abusive, quickly concluding that it would be straight up bullshit. Gary Lineker is an admirable man.

If I'm honest, I expected my tweet to go much the same way as all the other 68-odd thousand I'd done: shout into the abyss, wait for echo, forget it entirely, repeat until death. This time, however, I had touched a nerve. The medium was prepared just right: time of day, day of the week and subject matter all made for an extremely fertile thread. Overwhelmingly so, at times.

However, it was all entirely positive. One hundred percent. Not one single response was even slightly antagonistic, let alone insulting or to tell me that I had done a poo on a football pitch. It was a reminder of the goodness in people, and that social media is just as capable of reflecting this goodness as it is the badness. The whole thing was a genuine pleasure and if you are one of the many people who contributed, thank you.

So far, 337 songs have been nominated for the list. Some have been mentioned countless times - countless because I didn't realise that I should probably have been counting them and now I just don't have the time nor the inclination to wade back through. Others are outliers, including some entries that provoked astonishment at their inclusion.

Overall, it is a thrilling glimpse into the fragility of the human mind. I hope that some people were heartened to find themselves a ready-made online support community while others were just able to get something off their chest. The resultant Spotify playlist, which I have called Kryptonite Songs, is perhaps the most tantalising song roulette anyone could ever play. If you are anything like me, you probably like a significant percentage of the following songs and can tolerate a large rump of the remainder. But it's in there, isn't it? Just waiting for you.

Without any further waffle from me, here is the list. Free from the (admittedly slim) restraints of Spotify's library, it appears in its unexpurgated form. There is one small rider to this, which is that I will have almost certainly forgotten to include some of the songs: things were coming so thick and fast on Sunday afternoon that in the time it took to write up the latest 50 replies, there would be 65 more. So, if I missed yours off, I apologise. However, the list - and my Twitter - remains open, so I can almost certainly be nudged to fix any mistakes. Finally, if you haven't contributed yet and would like to, the original Twitter thread can be found here, or you can leave your nomination in the comments below.

10cc – Dreadlock Holiday
10cc – I'm Not In Love
The 88 – At Least It Was Here
Ace Of Base - All That She Wants
The Animals – House of the Rising Sun

21 Pilots – Ride
The inclusion of this song riled up one respondent's teenage daughter. This delighted me: people were playing the Spotify list to their children. Hearts and minds.

4 Non Blondes - What's Up?

ABBA – Dancing Queen
I love this song. More updates on this as we get them.

Aerosmith – I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
Aerosmith – Janie's Got A Gun
Aerosmith. Music for people who like to be uplifted but hate music.

Akon – Lonely

Amy Grant – Big Yellow Taxi
The Big Yellow Taxi saga was interesting. Many replies just said "anything by [artist]" or "any version of [song]". Big Yellow Taxi, however, was unique. Initially picked with the stipulation that it was any except the Counting Crows version. Within an hour this, too, was on the list.

Andrew Gold – Lonely Boy
Anohni – 4 Degrees
Aqua – Lollipop (Candyman)
Artful Dodger ft. Craig David – Re Rewind

The B52's - Love Shack
Oh, this one is really, REALLY unpopular

B*Witched – C'est La Vie
Babybird – You're Gorgeous

Babylon Zoo – Spaceman
The most disappointing song of all time?

Bananarama - I Can't Help It
Band Aid – Do They Know It's Christmas?
Barry Manilow – Mandy

The Beatles - Across The Universe
The Beatles - Hey Jude
The Beatles - She's Leaving Home
The Beatles - When I'm 64
The Beatles - Yellow Submarine
The Beatles – Yesterday
The Beatles, objectively the greatest pop group in history. Just accept it. However, I can't particularly argue with any of these selections. 

The Beautiful South – Perfect 10

Bee Gees – More Than A Woman

Belinda Carlisle – Circle In The Sand
Belinda Carlisle – Heaven Is A Place On Earth
Belinda Carlisle – Leave The Light On For Me
Some have queried whether Belinda Carlisle deserved such shoddy treatment. But the people have spoken and what they said was, do our ears deserve such shoddy treatment?

Beyonce – Single Ladies
Billy Joel – My Life
Billy Joel – Piano Man
Billy Joel – Uptown Girl
Billy Ocean – When The Going Gets Tough The Tough Get Going
Billy Ray Cyrus – Achy Breaky Heart
Bjork - It's Oh So Quiet

Black Crowes – Hard To Handle
The person who nominated this song tells me it is an FM radio staple in America. No wonder things are getting so fraught over there.

Black Eyed Peas – I've Gotta Feeling
This is one of the most nominated songs. The level of angst that it inspires, if harnessed properly, could end our reliance on fossil fuels.

Black Lace – Agadoo

Blondie - Heart of Glass
Blondie – Rapture
I was glad these were nominated. It's nice to have some great songs in any playlist.

Blue Mink - Melting Pot
No argument.

The Bluebirds - Young At Heart

Blur - Song 2
Bobby McFerrin – Don't Worry Be Happy
Two songs by otherwise popular acts, completely ruined by their ubiquity.

Bobby Pickett - Monster Mash
Bon Jovi – Livin' On A Prayer
These two are on rotation as the elevator music in hell.

Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart
Brand New Heavies – Midnight At The Oasis
Bruce Hornsby – The Way It Is

Bryan Adams - Everything I Do, I Do It For You
Sixteen weeks at number 1. Sixteen! Someone must have been switching out the HRT pills for M&Ms that summer.

Bryan Adams - Summer of '69

Bryan Ferry – Let's Stick Together
Crap, warbled by a prick.

Buckcherry – Crazy Bitch

The Byrds – Mr. Tambourine Man
The worst band in history.

Callum Scott - Dancing On My Own
Carl Douglas – Kung Fu Fighting
Carly Simon – You're So Vain
Carly-Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe

The Carpenters – Yesterday Once More
A brother and sister, singing love songs to one another.

Catatonia – Road Rage
Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On
Chas & Dave – Rabbit

Cher - Believe
Dance music for people who don't like dance music.

Cher - The Shoop Shoop Song

Cher - Walking In Memphis
My own personal choice. A song of irredeemable awfulness.

Chris De Burgh – A Spaceman Came Travelling
Chris De Burgh – The Lady In Red
Run away!

Christina Aguilera - Lady Marmalade
Chumbawamba - Tubthumping

Cliff Richard – Mistletoe and Wine
Cliff Richard – The Millennium Prayer
The first Christmas songs on the list. They will not be the last.

Coldplay – Clocks
Coldplay – Yellow
Coldplay invoke all kinds of ire, but these were the only two specific songs chosen.

Coolio ft. L.V. – Gangsta's Paradise
The Coral – In The Morning
Counting Crows – Big Yellow Taxi
Courtney Barnett – Pickles From The Jar
The Cranberries – Zombie

Crash Test Dummies – Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Hnngh hnngh hnngh hnngh.

Crazy Town – Butterfly
The stink of RHCP all over it. Music for the tattoo parlour where you caught hepatitis.

Crystal Waters - Gypsy Woman
Cutting Crew – (I Just) Died In Your Arms
Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Want To Have Fun
D:Ream – Things Can Only Get Better

Danny Wilson – Mary's Prayer
I'd forgotten about this one. One of my favourite choices on the list, it is a howler.

David Bowie – Across The Universe
David Bowie – The Jean Genie

Dead Or Alive – You Spin Me Round
The curse of 2016 stuck just a day later. Sorry, Pete.

Deee Lite – Groove Is In The Heart

Deep Blue Something – Breakfast At Tiffany's
Of all the songs nominated, this one inspired the most hatred and anger.

Des'ree - Life

Dexys Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen
A brilliant song by a brilliant band, so there.

Diana Ross – Chain Reaction
My mum's least favourite song.

Dire Straits – Money For Nothing
Dire Straits – Romeo and Juliet
Dire straights.

DJ Otzi – Hey Baby
Perhaps the only good argument as to why leaving the EU was a good idea after all.

Dobie Gray – Drift Away
Dodgy – Good Enough
Don McLean – American Pie

Doobie Brothers - What A Fool Believes
I sang this tunelessly the entire morning after it was mentioned. My wife left me.

Doop – Doop

Dream Academy – Life In A Northern Town
"President Kennedy... and The Beatles (scream)...". A sackcloth full of watery cum.

The Eagles – Hotel California
The other worst band in history.

Edwyn Collins – A Girl Like You
Eiffel 65 – Blue
Elbow - One Day Like This

Ellie Goulding – On My Mind
A friend played this to his 4-year old daughter. Her response? "Why's she saying that? This isn't even a song, dad".

Elton John – Candle In The Wind (1997)
Well, obvs.

Elton John – Crocodile Rock
Elton John – Your Song
Elvis Presley - Return To Sender
Eminem – Lose Yourself

Enigma – Sadness
For when your ambient dance track needs more Gregorian Chant.

Eve ft. Gwen Stefani – Let Me Blow Ya Mind

The theme tune from Everything's Rosie 
The curse of cBeebies.

Fairground Attraction – Perfect
Fountains of Wayne - Stacey's Mom
Frank Sinatra - My Way

The Fratellis – Chelsea Dagger
The sound of losing your virginity in a public toilet at a darts match as they counted up the results of the EU referendum.

Fun – Some Nights
Fun ft. Janelle Monae – We Are Young

Gary Puckett and Union Gap – Young Girl
A brilliant choice. I applaud whoever it was who suggested this one.

George Ezra – Drawing Board

Gerry & The Pacemakers – You'll Never Walk Alone
Full disclosure: the person who nominated this song's Twitter avatar is the badge of Everton Football Club. However, it all checks out. This song is bobbins.

Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street
Extraordinarily popular choice. Because no-one likes saxophones.

Glasvegas – Daddy's Gone

Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
The most nominated song to include the qualifier "I'm sure no-one else has said this, but..."

The Goo-Goo Dolls – Iris
Green Day – Good Riddance (Time of your Life)
Guns 'n' Roses – Sweet Child o Mine
Gwen Stefani – Hollaback Girl
Hinder – Lips Of An Angel

House of Pain - Jump Around
The early leader in the popular vote. The party song for people who don't go to parties.

Idina Menzel – Let It Go
Inner Circle - Sweat
The Jam - A Town Called Malice
James Blunt – You're Beautiful

James Brown – I Feel Good
Someone was obviously having a bad day.

Jamie Lawson – Wasn't Expecting That
Jamiroquai – Canned Heat
Janet Jackson – Rhythm Nation
Janis Joplin – Mercedes Benz

Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys – Empire State of Mind
Surprisingly, this is not on Spotify. So you all dodged a bullet there.

Jennifer Rush – The Power of Love
Jim Diamond – I Should Have Known Better
JJ Barrie – No Charge
Joe Dolce – Shaddap You Face
John Lennon – Imagine
John Mayer – Your Body Is A Wonderland
Joni Mitchell – Big Yellow Taxi

Journey – Don't Stop Believin'
I have a long-standing suspicion of songs with abbreviated words in their title.

Justin Bieber – Baby
Baby baby baby, ooh (repeat x1 fucking trillion)

Kate Nash – Foundations
Kate Tempest – Circles
Katie Melua – Closest Thing To Crazy
Katie Melua – Nine Million Bicycles

Katrina and the Waves – Walking On Sunshine
Some people don't like to be happy.

Katy Perry – California Gurls
Katy Perry – I Kissed A Girl
Katy Perry – Roar
Katy Perry has three songs on the list, representing 50% of her entire artistic output.

The Killers - Mr. Brightside
An outstandingly unpopular and awful record.

Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire

Kings Of Leon – Use Somebody
The La's – There She Goes
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance
Led Zeppelin – Stairway To Heaven
Leonard Cohen – Hallelujah

Lighthouse Family - Lifted
Lighthouse Family – Ocean Drive
The elevator music in Purgatory.

Limp Bizkit – My Generation
Lisa Stansfield – Around The World
Little Eva – The Locomotion
Lo-Fang – You're The One That I Want
Los Del Rio – Macarena
Lou Bega – Mambo No. 5
Lukas Graham – 7 Years

Lulu - Shout
Lulu - The Boat That I Row
Lulu is not nearly as popular as Absolutely Fabulous would have you believe.

Madness – Baggy Trousers
Madonna – Like A Virgin
MAGIC! - Rude

Manfred Mann's Earth Band – Blinded By The Light
A solid choice. 

Manic Street Preachers – SYMM
A song. About writing a song. About Hillsborough. A song about writing a song about Hillsborough.

Marc Cohn – Walking In Memphis
The worst song ever written, performed by the culprit.

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars – Uptown Funk

Maroon 5 – Animals
Maroon 5 – Moves Like Jagger
Maroon 5 – This Love
No-one likes Maroon 5.

Meatloaf – I'd Do Anything For Love
Do it and get off.

Meghan Trainor – All About That Bass
No treble?

Men At Work – Down Under
Mercury Rev - Goddess On A Hiway
Michael Buble – It's A Beautiful Day

Michael Jackson – Earth Song
Considering his enormous popularity, ubiquity and cultural significance, a surprising solitary vote for Michael Jackson. Then again, Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen didn't get any. But then again, neither of them recorded Earth Song.

MIKA – Grace Kelly

Mike and the Mechanics – The Living Years
This one made me nod my head so hard I think something broke off inside.

MN8 - I've Got A Little Something For You
Mousse T ft. Tom Jones – Sex Bomb
Mr. Big – To Be With You
Mumford and Sons – I Will Wait
Natasha Bedingfield – These Words

The New Radicals – You Only Get What You Give
Inspires nought but rage.

Nicki Minaj – Anaconda
Nickleback - Rockstar

Oasis - Champagne Supernova
I think the original nomination sums this one up better than I ever could:

Oasis - Shakermaker

Oasis - Wonderwall
One of the most nominated songs of them all. Is it because it has been over-played? Or just because it is shit? Or both?

Oasis – All Around The World
"IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS" argues the nominator.

Ocean Colour Scene – The Day We Caught The Train
Offspring - Come Out and Play

OMC – How Bizarre
This song inspires such ire that it renders a lot of people speechless.

Paolo Nutini – New Shoes
Paul McCartney – We All Stand Together
Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmastime

Peter Sarstedt – Where Do You Go To My Lovely?
An exceedingly popular choice.

Pharrell Williams – Happy

Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight
Phil Collins - You Can't Hurry Love
Phil Collins – Easy Lover
You couldn't not have a bit of Phil.

Picture House – Sunburst
The Pogues and Kirsty McColl - The Fairytale of New York
The Proclaimers – I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
The Prodigy – Firestarter

Psy - Gangnam Style
This song is the national anthem of the list.

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
Queen – Don't Stop Me Now
Queen – We Are The Champions
Queen – We Will Rock You
I like one of these songs, but you'll have to guess which one while I go and throw up.

R.E.M. - Shiny Happy People
My mate Kev's choice, the first song committed to the list.

Razorlight - America

Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Under The Bridge
"Whenever anyone hears a song and asks 'what is THIS shit?', the answer is always Red Hot Chilli Peppers"

Rednex – Cotton Eye Joe
The Cast of Rent – Seasons of Love
Reverend and The Makers – Heavyweight Champion of the World
Richard Harris – Macarthur Park
Ricky Martin – Livin' La Vida Loca
The Righteous Brothers – You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling
Rihanna – Take A Bow

Robbie Williams - Angels
Robbie Williams - Millennium
Robbie Williams - Rock DJ
Robbie Williams – Candy
Robbie Williams – Freedom
Robbie Williams – Mack The Knife
Robbie Williams – Rudebox
No-one has as many entries on this list than Robbie. He has touched many lives.

Robert Palmer - Addicted To Love
Robin S – Show Me Love

Robin Thicke – Blurred Lines
One of the most frequent choices. A dumb-as-shit, rape apologist, piece of fucking garbage sung by a peenarse.

The Cast of The Rocky Horror Show – The Time Warp

Rod Stewart – Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

Roy Orbison – Oh, Pretty Woman
Run DMC ft. Aerosmith – Walk This Way
Rupert Holmes - Escape
Sacred Reich - 31 Flavors
Sam Smith – Money On My Mind
Sandi Thom – I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker

Santana – Smooth
The soundtrack to trying to pick up a really runny dog shit.

Sash – Encore Un Fois

Savage Garden – Truly, Madly, Deeply
Music for, and by, virgins.

The Scorpions - Winds Of Change
The Scorpions – Still Loving You
The band that made people want to rebuild the Berlin Wall. Not on Spotify, you lucky people.

Scouting For Girls – She's So Lovely
The Script – The Man Who Couldn't Be Moved
Shaggy – It Wasn't Me

Shania Twain - Man! I Feel Like A Woman!
Songs with unnecessary exclamation marks in the title.

Shanice – I Love Your Smile

Shut Up And Dance – Raving I'm Raving
A rave track that samples Walking In Memphis. What's not to like?

Simply Red – Fairground
You know how smug Hucknall's face must have been when he finished this one. 

Simply Red – Stars
Sister Sledge - Frankie
Sixpence None The Richer – Kiss Me

Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody
I like this one and I don't care. Although, not in October.

Smash Mouth – All Star
Snap - Rhythm is a Dancer
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
Social Distortion - Story of my Life
Sophie Ellis Bextor – Murder On The Dancefloor

Space ft. Cerys Matthews – The Ballad of Tom Jones
No nomination made me laugh as much as this one. It is perfect, brilliant and entirely correct.

Spice Girls - Wannabe

The Spin Doctors – Two Princes
One of the most magnificently unpopular songs on the list. I guarantee that when I go back to Twitter after finishing this post, there'll be a new tweet nominating this. Probably with the word "fucking" in it.

Starship - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now
Starship – We Built This City
Stereophonics - Hurry Up and Wait
Stereophonics – Have A Nice Day
If you ever doubt how much people hate these two groups, just read the Twitter thread.

Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel - Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me)
Steve Miller Band - Abracadabra
Steve Walsh – I Found Lovin'

Stevie Wonder – I Just Called To Say I Love You
Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney – Ebony and Ivory
Perhaps the two most hateful songs ever written, for any fans of irony out there.

Stiltskin – Inside
The Stranglers – Golden Brown
Supertramp – The Logical Song
Survivor – Eye of the Tiger

Sweet – Wig Wam Bam
The fucking Sweet. The other, other worst band in history.

T'Pau – China In Your Hand
I like this, so nur.

Take That ft. Lulu – Relight My Fire
Tammy Wynette – Stand By Your Man

Taylor Swift – I Knew You Were Trouble
Taylor Swift – Shake It Off
Taylor Swift is not on Spotify so you won't be able to enjoy what a brilliant song Shake It Off is. Or how arse-clenchingly dreadful the other one is.

Terence Trent D'arby – Wishing Well

Terry Jacks – Seasons In The Sun
A tumour.

They Might Be Giants - Birdhouse In Your Soul
The inclusion of this one sparked controversy in my timeline, with calls to name and shame. Cards on the table, I like it. Many, many others do not.

Tina Turner – The Best

TLC – No Scrubs
Tom Petty – Free Fallin'
Tony Christie – Is This The Way To Amarillo?

Toploader - Dancing In The Moonlight
Hands down, this is the popular choice for the most hated song in history. The sound of Hard Brexit happening as Jamie Oliver runs over your dog in his VW camper van.

Traditional - Jerusalem
"...when it is sung by old posh ladies". 

Traditional - Little Drummer Boy
Traditional – I'm Proud To Be An American

Trio – Da Da Da
Twista ft. Anthony Hamilton – Sunshine

U2 – Beautiful Day
A song so cataclysmically awful that it drew the fire from the remainder of the U2 canon.

UB40 - Red Red Wine
Ultrabeat – Pretty Green Eyes
Ultravox – Vienna
Van Morrison - Brown-Eyed Girl
Vance Joy – Riptide

Waterboys – The Whole of the Moon
The overwhelming choice from Irish and Scottish respondents.

The Weathergirls – It's Raining Men
Westlife – You Raise Me Up
Wet Wet Wet – Love Is All Around
Wheatus – Teenage Dirtbag
Whigfield - Saturday Night

Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
My dad's least favourite song.

Wings – Mull Of Kintyre
Wizzard – I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

Yello – Oh Yeah
Oh no.


There continues to be significant interest in this project, significant enough to increase the 337 songs to 373. Which is more. For the benefit of science, here are the  new entries:

Anohni - 4 Degrees
Basement Jaxx - Do Your Thing

The Beatles - Octopus's Garden
And yet, still nothing for Rocky Raccoon. Or Oh-Bla-Di, Oh-Bla-Dah. 

Benny Mardones - Into The Night
Beverly Knight - Shoulda Woulda Coulda
Billy Swan - I Can Help

Bran Van 3000 - Drinking In L.A.
Songs from adverts, a surefire recipe for resentment and anger.

Caro Emerald - Liquid Lunch
Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
Corinne Bailey-Rae - Put Your Records On
Elton John - Passengers
Eternal - I Wanna Be The Only One

Europe - The Final Countdown
Dur dur dur dur, dur dur dur dur dur.

Flying Machine - Smile A Little Smile For Me
Fools Garden - Lemon Tree

Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax
Look, I don't choose these songs, OK?

Jeff Beck - Hi Ho Silver Lining
Although if I could, I would.

Madonna - Die Another Day

The Mavericks - Dance The Night Away
The creeping menace of modern country music.

M.C. Hammer - U Can't Touch This
Midnight Oil - Beds Are Burning
Nelly Furtado - I'm Like A Bird
Okkervil Rover - A Girl In Port
Outkast - Hey Ya!

Prefab Sprout - The King of Rock and Roll
Hot dog.

Procul Harem - A Whiter Shade of Pale
R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts
Rod Stewart - Sailing
The Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil
I fundamentally disagree with three out of these four choices. I will leave you to guess which is the odd one out. (It's Rod Stewart).

Stan Ridgway - Camouflage

Steve Winwood - Higher Love
The Streets - Fit But You Know It
Tight Fit - The Lion Sleeps Tonight
I can see how these could wear you down.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

Naked POTUS, number 26: Theodore Roosevelt

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Neither a bull nor a moose, it is the 26th President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919), in the nip. Fact squad:


Born 27th October 1858, Manhattan, New York
Died 6th January 1919, Oyster Bay, New York

Presidential Term 14th September 1901 - 4th March 1909

Theodore Roosevelt had not been expected to survive his childhood due to his severe asthma. However, he built up his strength and confidence through the practice of boxing. Tirelessly energetic, he also spent his childhood - as well as the rest of his adult life - as a keen naturalist.

Roosevelt began in politics at an early age. He was already a US Senator when his first wife Alice died during the birth of their first child, also named Alice.

Roosevelt briefly resigned from politics in order to serve in the Spanish-American war, heading up a volunteer cavalry regiment that was known as the Rough Riders. On 1st July 1898, Roosevelt's men won a famous victory at the Battle of Kettle Hill.

Roosevelt was the fifth Vice President to have been promoted to the Presidency. At the time, he was also the youngest man to have served in the role.

His term was marked by stability at home and abroad, much to Roosevelt's chagrin. During his Presidency, the Panama Canal was constructed. He is mainly remembered for his contribution to foreign policy, coining the term "walk softly and carry a big stick". This was allied to The Roosevelt Corollary to the Monroe Doctrine: Monroe sought to prevent European expansion within the Americas, but Roosevelt expanded the scope to include intervention throughout the Western world. This mixture of a strong military and a brief to protect both the interests and ideals of the American people forms the basis of the United States' foreign policy to the present day.

For all his bullishness, Roosevelt was the first American President to win the Nobel Peace Prize, for his efforts in negotiating peace in the Russio-Japanese War of 1904-05.

In 1904, Roosevelt became the first promoted Vice President to win a Presidential election in his own right.

Upon winning the 1904 election, Roosevelt immediately announced he would not seek a further term.  He came to regard as this his greatest mistake. He found that he disagreed with the direction of his designated successor, William Taft. By 1912 he was seeking election again. Passed over by his Republican Party for the nomination, he formed his own Bull Moose Party. This considerably split the Republican vote but served only to allow the Democratic candidate Woodrow Wilson to win the Presidency.

During the 1912 campaign he was subject to an attempted assassination. A German immigrant, John Schrank, shot Roosevelt as he prepared to make a speech in New York City. The bullet deflected off of Roosevelt's spectacles case and fifty pages that made up his speech. Though injured by the attack, Roosevelt nevertheless spoke for an hour afterwards.

Roosevelt disappointed his many followers by disbanding the Bull Moose Party during the 1916 election season, recommending that they vote for the Republican candidate Charles E. Hughes.

Roosevelt was the first US President to own a motor car and the first to wear corrective eye glasses. He is the only 20th Century President to appear in effigy on the side of Mount Rushmore.

During his Presidency, Oklahoma was admitted to the Union in 1907, which now comprised of 46 constituents.

He was the uncle of Eleanor Roosevelt, future First Lady of the United States, and the fifth cousin of the 32nd President, Franklin Roosevelt.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 25: William McKinley

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Tell me where your clothes are, your clothes are, tell me where your clothes are Billy. It is the naked form of the 25th President of the United States, William McKinley (1843-1901). Let's learn:


Born 29th January 1843, Niles, Ohio
Died 14th September 1901, Buffalo, New York

Presidential Term 4th March 1897 - 14th September 1901

William McKinley, like Abraham Lincoln, was assassinated shortly after he began his second four year term as President. He was the third US President to be assassinated, all of them coming within a 36 year period.

McKinley was forced to drop out of college due to ill health. However, this did not prevent him from studying and practising law before he turned his attention to politics. He was first elected to the House of Representatives before he was elected Governor of Ohio, where he served until the Presidency.

Both of his Presidential election wins, in 1896 and 1900, saw him victorious over the Democratic candidate William J. Bryan.

Some notable events during the McKinley administration included the Annexation of Hawaii, the first step toward the island group's journey to Statehood. McKinley also oversaw the Spanish-American war of 1898, which began after the Spanish Navy sank the US Battleship Maine as it was moored in Havana harbour. McKinley was also responsible to tying the US Dollar to the Gold Standard.

William McKinley was the first American President to ride in a motor car.

McKinley was shot as he attended the Pan-American Exhibition in Buffalo, New York on 6th September 1901 by an anarchist Polish immigrant, Leon Czolgosz. He died eight days later. He was the first US President to have been assassinated outside of Washington D.C. Czolgosz was executed shortly after McKinley's death. He is the only Presidential assassin to have been executed in the electric chair and the most recent Presidential assassin to have been killed by the state.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 23: Benjamin Harrison

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Genetics proving a powerful force, it is the buff presence of the 23rd President of the United States, Benjamin Harrison (1833-1901). Let's learn:


Born 20th August 1833, North Bend, Ohio
Died 13th March, 1901, Indianapolis, Indiana

Presidential Term 4th March 1889 - 4th March 1893

Harrison came from a political dynasty: his father had sat in the House of Representatives and his grandfather was William H. Harrison, the 9th President of the United States.

Benjamin Harrison was luckier than his grandfather during his Presidential term. However, his wife Caroline was less so and died of tuberculosis four months before the end of his Presidency. Harrison would later remarry, choosing Caroline's niece, Mary.

Harrison's Presidency was notable for the growth in the size of the Union. Six States were admitted to the United States during the Harrison Administration, more than any other President. North and South Dakota, Montana and Washington all joined in 1889; Idaho and Wyoming in 1890.

Harrison addressed the increasing influence of Trusts in US politics by passing the Sherman Anti-Trust Act in 1890. However, his attempts to boost American engineering and production by introducing a 48% import duty on all foreign products upset consumers and crashed the economy, leading to the Panic of 1893.

Harrison was the first US President to benefit from electricity at home, installed in the White House in 1891.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 22 (and 24): Grover Cleveland

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Naked as the day he was born and looking decidedly non-consecutive, it is the twenty-second (and twenty-fourth) President of the United States, Grover Cleveland (1837-1908). Facts:


Born 18th March 1837, Caldwell, New Jersey
Died 24th June 1908, Princeton, New Jersey

Presidential Terms 4th March 1885 - 4th March 1889 and 4th March 1893 - 4th March 1897

As any fool know, Grover Cleveland is the only President of the United States to have served his two terms of office non-consecutively.

Cleveland was the son of a Presbyterian minister and he spend most of his childhood moving around New York State.

Cleveland is the only President of the United States to have gotten married during his term of office. He was wedded to Frances Folsom at the White House in 1886. Following Cleveland's death in 1908, Folsom would become the first former First Lady to remarry.

Grover Cleveland was the first Democratic President since Andrew Johnson, and the first elected Democratic President since James Buchanan.

He is remembered as one of the most diligent and morally unimpeachable American Presidents, frequently going against his party's line if they did not agree with his thinking. His particular eye for detail rubbed a number of Civil War veterans up the wrong way: he carefully studied all of the requests for pensions himself and angered many with refusals. Misuse of Federal funds was a growing problem and his particular bugbear.

He was especially unpopular with Tammany Hall, the Democratic political society formed in New York. They block voted to help deny Cleveland the 1888 election, won by Benjamin Harrison. They also tried to prevent his re-election in 1892 but narrowly failed.

Utah was admitted to the Union during Cleveland's second Presidential term, in 1896.

After his Presidency, Cleveland retired to sit on the board of trustees at Princeton University.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 21: Chester A. Arthur

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Having been promoted from Vice President and possibly a little under-dressed, it is the 21st President of the United States, Chester A. Arthur (1829-1886). Facts:


Born 5th October 1829, Fairfield, Vermont
Died 18th November 1886, New York City, New York

Presidential Term 19th September 1881 - 4th March 1885

Chester A. Arthur became the fourth Vice President to be promoted to the top job following the assassination of James Garfield. It was a speedy turnaround in fortune for Arthur, who just three years previously had been stripped of his job as the Collector of the Port of New York by President Rutherford Hayes for taking bribes.

Arthur's father was a staunch abolitionist who founded the New York Anti-Slavery Society.

Arthur spent his Presidency as a widower. His wife died of pneumonia in 1880 and his sister served as the First Lady during his time in office.

He proved a divisive President. In 1882 he signed the Chinese Exclusion Act, which outlawed all Chinese immigration to the US for ten years, a compromise from the twenty years that Congress had been seeking. He also passed the Pendleton Act, which sought to modernise and reform the civil service. This proved to be such an unpopular move within his own party that he was denied the nomination for the 1884 Presidential Election.

Following his term of office, Arthur returned to his legal practice. However, he had spent much of his life in poor health with Bright's Disease and within 18 months of leaving the White House he had died of a stroke.

The A. stood for Alan.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Friday, 14 October 2016

Naked POTUS, number 20: James Garfield

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Fully pubic and ready for action, it's the twentieth President of the United States, James Garfield (1831-1881). The pertinent details:


Born 19th November 1831, Moreland Hills, Ohio
Died 19th September 1881, Elberon, New Jersey

Presidential Term 4th March 1881 - 19th September 1881

James Garfield's early life was marked by poverty. He was the last President of the United States to have been born in a log cabin.

Garfield was a staunch abolitionist and fought for the Union army during the Civil War, rising to the rank of Major General. After his military service, he turned back to a political career that the hostilities had interrupted: just before the outbreak of the conflict he had been elected to serve in the State Senate after a career in law.

He was part of the  panel that awarded the Presidency to Rutherford Hayes after the contentious 1876 election.

Garfield never had any intention of running for President. Having attended the Republican National Convention in his role as a party member, his ability to unite conflicting wings of the party saw him rise steadily to prominence. He emerged as their nominee on the 36th ballot.

Garfield's Presidency was shortlived. He was shot by a disgruntled and delusional civil servant, Charles Guiteau, at the Baltimore and Potomac Railway Station in Washington D.C. on 2nd July 1881. Guiteau believed that the President had welched on an agreement to make him the ambassador in Paris.

Unfortunately for Garfield, following his shooting he fell victim to the finest medical and scientific minds that America could produce. Having been prodded, probed, bled, blistered and even X-rayed by Alexander Graham Bell's new cutting edge invention, he eventually succumbed to blood poisoning 10 weeks after his shooting. A post mortem examination showed that the bullets had missed all his vital organs and, had he been spared the attempts to retrieve it, he would most likely have lived. He was the second President of the United States to be assassinated.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 19: Rutherford B. Hayes

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Naked as anything, it is the nineteenth President of the United States Rutherford B. Hayes (1822-1893). What up with that?


Born 4th October 1822, Delaware, Ohio
Died 17th January 1893, Fremont, Ohio

Presidential Term 4th March 1877 - 3rd March 1881

Rutherford Hayes became President thanks to the Compromise of 1877. His opponent, the Democratic candidate Samuel Tilden, won the popular vote but the electoral college was tied. Eventually, the Democrats agreed that Hayes could be President on the condition that all remaining Federal troops were withdrawn from the South. This was the end of the period of Reconstruction, following the Civil War.

Hayes was a volunteer soldier during the Civil War. He was wounded five times in combat, meaning that he was either very brave or reckless in the extreme. Following the war he gave up his career as a lawyer to focus on politics, first in Congress and then as a two-term Governor of Ohio.

During his Presidency the groundwork was first established for American ownership of any canal across the Central American peninsula. This bore fruit just over 20 years later with the building of the Panama Canal.

Hayes chose to not seek a second term of office. He instead retired from politics to focus on speaking on behalf of the Temperance movement and helping African Americans gain scholarships to higher education. Many of his policy reforms during his Presidency had been focused on racial equality and improved access to education.

The 'B' in his name stood for Birchard.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 18: Ulysses S. Grant

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

In another victory for the North, it's the eighteenth President of the United States wearing bugger all, Ulysses S. Grant (1822-1885). Everything you should know:


Born 27th April 1822, Point Pleasant, Ohio
Died 23rd July 1885, Wilton, New York

Presidential Term 4th March 1869 - 3rd March 1877

Ulysses S. Grant was the first US President to serve out his full two terms of office since Andrew Jackson, forty years before.

Although Grant was primarily known as a soldier, he had retired from the military following the Mexican-American war and was working as a farmer in St. Louis when the Civil War began and he re-enlisted. During the Civil War he was the overall commander of the Union Army and subsequently served in Andrew Johnson's cabinet.

He was, like Andrew Jackson, an enormously popular President. His first election to the office came off the back of a 72% share of the vote. This dropped to 55% for his second term,

The main events of his Presidency were the defeat of General Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn in 1875 and the passing of the 15th Amendment, which stated that no man may be disqualified from voting on grounds of their race.

During Grant's tenure, the Union expanded to 38 States with the admission of Colorado in 1876.

Following his Presidency, Grant went into business but fell victim to an unscrupulous scam artist and lost everything. With his wife in poor health and Grant having himself fallen victim to throat cancer, many prominent Americans rallied round to support the General. In his last days, he released his memoirs to considerable success and financial reward, easing his burden.

The middle initial in his name didn't stand for anything. In fact, his full name was Hiram Ulysses Grant.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Naked POTUS, number 17: Andrew Johnson

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Balls clearly visible, it's the seventeenth President of these United States Andrew Johnson (1808-1875). Here is his tale:


Born 29th December 1808, Raleigh, North Carolina
Died 31st July 1875, Carter County, Tennessee

Presidential Term 15th April 1865 - 4th March 1869

Andrew Johnson did OK for himself considering that he never went to school and had to teach himself to read. Johnson was just 3-years old when his father died and his mother (a cow) sold both him and his elder brother into servitude with a tailor in Greenville, Tennessee. They later both escaped and lived on their own, setting up their own tailor shop in order to make ends meet.

Johnson was elected major of Greenville, Tennessee aged only 22.

Johnson was the President when Nebraska was admitted to the Union in 1867. The same year, the Secretary of State William Seward purchased Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million. This became known as Seward's Folly.

Johnson was the third Vice-President to accede to the Presidency due to their predecessor's death in office and the first to do so due to an assassination.

He was the first President to be impeached. The Tenure of Office Act of 1867 prevented Johnson from removing his appointed officials but he nevertheless sacked Edwin Stanton as Secretary of War and replaced him with Ulysses S. Grant to test the Constitutionality of the Act. Stanton took violent objection to this and went as far as barracading himself in his office. On February 24th 1868 the Senate began impeachment proceedings. These concluded in May with Johnson narrowly holding on, one vote shy of the two-thirds majority required to remove him from office.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 16: Abraham Lincoln

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Your eyes don't deceive you, it's Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), the sixteenth President of the United States with his junk flappin'. I want you to know all about him:


Born 12th February 1809, Hogdenville, Kentucky
Died 15th April 1865, Washington D.C.

Presidential Term 4th March 1861 - 15th April 1865

Abraham Lincoln was, at 6'4", the tallest President of the United States. He is also the only Commander-in-Chief to be born in Kentucky, although he spent the majority of his formative years in Springfield, Illinois.

His Presidency was completely consumed by the American Civil War. The Confederated States of America was formed as a result of his election to the top office and hostilities formally began between the North and South at the Battle of Fort Sumter in South Carolina on 11th April 1861.

In spite of the reputation he now enjoys as the greatest US President in history, Lincoln was a divisive character during his reign, even with his own anti-slavery people. Particularly controversial was his suspension of habeas corpus during the Civil War, meaning that prisoners had no right to information about the nature of their offence nor to a speedy trial.

On 1st January 1863, Lincoln issued The Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves.

His most famous speech, the address given during the opening of a military cemetery at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, was just 10 sentences in length.

He won re-election to the Presidency in November 1864, receiving 55% of the popular vote. He was the first President to be elected to a second term since Andrew Jackson, 30 years previously.

Despite everything else that was going on, two more States were admitted to the Union during Lincoln's administration: West Virginia (1863) and Nevada (1864).

The Civil War formally ended following the Battle of Appomattox Court House, Virginia on 9th April 1865. Following the Confederate defeat, General Ulysses S. Grant accepted General Robert E. Lee's surrender.

Lincoln became the first US President to be assassinated five days later, shot in the head by a disaffected pro-slavery theatre actor called John Wilkes Booth as he watched the comic play Our American Cousin at Ford's Theatre, Washington D.C. on 14th April 1865, Good Friday. He died at 7.22 a.m. the following day in Peterson's House across the street. Booth was not acting alone: his was a conspiracy designed to decapitate the ruling regime completely. An associate, Lewis Powell, attacked Secretary of State William Seward with a dagger at his home, an attack which left Seward permanently disfigured. A third conspirator, George Atzerodt, was charged with the responsibility to kill Vice-President Andrew Johnson, but he lost his nerve on the way.

Abraham Lincoln's massive face is one of the four US Presidents to adorn the side of Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. He was the first American President to wear a beard, a fashion statement that was suggested to him by an 11-year old girl, Grace Bedell, in a letter shortly before he first ran for the Presidency.

Whilst wearing his trademark stovepipe hat, Abraham Lincoln was 12 feet tall. He is the only US President to have held a patent.

He was a great man. The world could do with a lot more people of his moral judgement and courage.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 15: James Buchanan

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

With the breeze gently kissing his taint, it is James Buchanan (1791-1868). I want you to know all about him:


Born 23rd April 1791, Cove Gap, Pennsylvania
Died 1st June 1868, Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Presidential Term 4th March 1857 - 4th March 1861

James Buchanan was the last Commander-in-Chief to have been born in the the 18th Century and the only President to date from the State of Pennsylvania. He is also the only bachelor to serve as the US President. Throughout his administration, his ward Harriet Lane served as the First Lady.

Before the 1812 War, Buchanan worked as a lawyer before enlisting in the army. There he became part of Andrew Jackson's trusted retinue and, upon Jackson becoming President, Buchanan began a career in politics. He was the Minister to Russia during the Jackson administration and Minister to Britain under Franklin Pierce.

Two days after his term of office began, on the 6th March 1857 the US Supreme Court reached the Dred Scott Decision, regarding the fate of a former slave now living in a Free State. This verdict stated that Scott was not entitled to his freedom and that African Americans could never be full US citizens. This rendered the Missouri Compromise obsolete and made civil war a virtual inevitability.

Although Buchanan was both pro-slavery and pro-right of secession, he supported Abraham Lincoln and the Union army throughout the Civil War.

The United States expanded to 34 constituents during Buchanan's Presidency with Minnesota (1858), Oregon (1859) and Kansas (1861) all being admitted. However, in the final months of Buchanan's Presidency, following the election of Abraham Lincoln as his successor, seven states seceded from the United States to form the Confederacy: Texas, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, South Carolina and Missouri. Buchanan remains the only US President to have had States leave the Union during his term of office.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 14: Franklin Pierce

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

His nob is out but nevertheless it is the fourteenth President of the United States, Franklin Pierce (1804-1869). FACTS:


Born 23rd November 1804, Hillsborough, New Hampshire
Died 8th October 1869, Concord, New Hampshire

Presidential Term 4th March 1853 - 4th March 1857

Franklin Pierce, whose father had fought in the Revolutionary War, saw combat himself during the Mexican-American War. His commander during that conflict was General Winfield Scott, who Pierce defeated in the 1852 Presidential Election.

Pierce was an alcoholic throughout his four years in office. He ultimately decided to not seek re-election in the 1856 poll, choosing instead to retire and care for his sick wife. She was primarily sick of him.

Franklin Pierce was pro-slavery and passed the Kansas-Nebraska Act. This effectively undid the Missouri Compromise by providing popular sovereignty the right to determine whether or not new territories were to be slave States or non-slave States. This caused considerable unrest, particularly in Kansas. This came to be known as Bleeding Kansas. After years of attempts to reconcile sectional differences, the Kansas-Nebraska Act meant that civil war was now almost inevitable.

So, he was a bit of a dickhead, ultimately.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 13: Millard Fillmore

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Flapping about with the sun on his back, it's the thirteenth President of the United States, Millard Fillmore (1800-1874). Let's find out about him:


Born 7th January 1800, Summerhill, New York
Died 8th March 1874, Buffalo, New York

Presidential Term 9th July 1850 - 4th March 1853

Millard Fillmore was promoted from Vice-President after the death of Zachary Taylor, becoming the second Vice-President to do so. He was the first US President to have been born in the 19th Century and the last US President to represent a party other than the Republican or Democratic cause: Fillmore was a Whig.

Fillmore was largely self-taught. He eventually went to study law, teaching at school in order to pay for it.

Fillmore's first challenge was to address the sectional differences dividing the country between anti- and pro-slavery sentiment. To this end he passed the Compromise of 1850, a controversial act that sought to shore up the Missouri Compromise and appease the hardliners. Part of this legislation was the Fugitive Slave Act, which stipulated that the government was responsible for the capture and return of all escaped slaves. Fillmore's predecessor, Zachary Taylor, opposed this law and when Fillmore ratified it, the cabinet resigned in protest.

California entered the Union shortly after Fillmore's ascendancy. They were the 31st State.

His single term was not his last attempt at the top office. Having lost out on his party's nomination in 1852, he stood in the 1856 Presidential election for the anti-immigration, anti-Catholic, Know Nothing Party. They successfully split the Republican vote sufficiently for James Buchanan, the Democratic candidate to win with just 45% of the popular vote.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 12: Zachary Taylor

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

With the elements fully exposed to his nuts, here be the twelfth President of the United States, Zachary Taylor (1784-1850). Fact attack:


Born 24th November 1784, Barboursville, Virginia
Died 9th July 1850, Washington D.C.

Presidential Term 4th March 1849 - 9th July 1850

As with many of his predecessors, Taylor rose to fame as a military man, serving in the 1812 War, the Second Seminole War and the Mexican-American War, where he commanded the troops at the Battle of Buena Vista.

Prior to seeking the Presidency in the 1848 election, Taylor had never previously voted.

The majority of his truncated Presidency was consumed with the fallout from the Mexican-American war. The big question revolved around the admission of the State of California, newly liberated from Mexico. As with any new State at the time, the big concern was how their presence in the Union would affect the delicate balance of slave states versus non-slave states.

Taylor became the second President to die in office on 9th July 1850. It is thought that he contracted cholera or a similar stomach ailment from eating iced milk and raw fruit during the celebrations of Independence Day.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 11: James K. Polk

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Willy to the wind, it is the eleventh President of the United States, James K. Polk (1795-1849). Here are the pertinent details:


Born 2nd November 1795, Pineville, North Carolina
Died 15th June 1849, Nashville, Tennessee

Presidential Term 4th March 1845 - 4th March 1849

The key event of the Polk Presidency was the Mexican-American War of 1846-48. The American victory in this conflict meant that Polk presided over the largest increase in the size of United States territorial ownership of any of the American Presidents before or since. He is widely considered to be the most successful single-term President.

Three States were admitted to the Union during the Polk administration: Texas (1845), Iowa (1846) and Wisconsin (1848). Polk had campaigned on a platform that was pro-annexation of Texas at the 1844 election, where it was one of the biggest issues. By the end of his term, the United States was comprised of 30 members.

Due to a sickly childhood, mostly caused by gallstones, Polk didn't begin formal education until he was 18 years old. Ill health caught up with him in the months following the end of his Presidency, too. Just over three months later he was dead from cholera.

The initial in his name? Stood for "Knox".

Polk is one of only two US Presidents to share a birthday with a fellow incumbent of the Oval Office: both he and Warren G. Harding, the 29th President, were born on 2nd November.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Friday, 30 September 2016

Naked POTUS, number 10: John Tyler

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

He's not got any clothes on but I assure you that this is John Tyler (1790-1862), the tenth President of the United States. Let's find out more:


Born 29th March 1790, Charles City County, Virginia
Died 18th January 1862, Richmond, Virginia

Presidential Term 6th April 1841 - 4th March 1845

John Tyler's actions following the death of President Harrison in April 1841 established a precedent for Presidential Succession that is now enshrined in the US Constitution. Tyler had been elected Vice President in 1840 and upon Harrison's death he took it upon himself to assume all of his duties. 

Shortly afterwards Tyler blocked the formation of the American Third Bank. This led to the entire cabinet, save for Secretary of State Daniel Webster, resigning in protest. Tyler spent the remainder of his Presidency without a party behind him.

Three days before the end of his Presidency, Tyler ratified the annexation of Texas, the first step towards its admission to the Union. On the final day of Tyler's administration, the US expanded to 27 States, with the addition of Florida.

Tyler oversaw both the Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1842, establishing the border between the US and Canada in Maine; and the Treaty of Wanghia, which established US trade access to Chinese ports.

Tyler was the first President of the USA to have been born within the US Presidential era.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 9: William Henry Harrison

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Willy in the breeze, it is William Henry Harrison (1773-1841), ninth President of the United States. He'll catch his death of cold, dressed like that. Here are some facts:


Born 9th February 1773, Charles City County, Virginia
Died 4th April 1841, Washington D.C.

Presidential Term 4th March 1841 - 4th April 1841

William Harrison holds a number of distinctions as US President. He was the last to have been born as a British subject: Harrison was 3 years old at the time of the Declaration of Independence. Harrison was also the first President of the United States to have died in office and his Presidency is the shortest in US history at just 31 days. Although the possibility remains that Donald Trump could make Harrison's administration look like Franklin Roosevelt's.

Harrison rose to national prominence due to his military service and his role in the Battle of Tippecanoe in 1811, where the US army put down the Indian Confederacy led by Tecumseh. Harrison's early demise led to Tecumseh's Curse: no President elected in a year ending with 0 survived their full four year term again until Ronald Reagan in 1980, although he narrowly escaped death by assassination.

He won the 1840 Presidential election with 80% of the vote. It was also the first Presidential campaign to feature campaign advertisements and slogans.

Harrison caught cold giving a lengthy address at his Inauguration in a freezing cold and rainy Washington D.C. However, this is not considered to be the likely cause of his death, as the pneumonia which eventually took his life did not emerge until three weeks after that event.

At the time of his election, Harrison was the oldest man ever to assume the Presidency. He was the grandfather of Benjamin Harrison, the 23rd President.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 8: Martin Van Buren

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

He's not got anything on but this is still Martin Van Buren (1782-1862), the eighth President of the United States. Here are the pertinent details:


Born 5th December 1782, Kinderhook, New York
Died 24th July 1862, Kinderhook, New York

Presidential Term 4th March 1837 - 4th March 1841

Martin Van Buren was of Dutch descent but he was also the first President to have been born after the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776, technically making him the first American to be the US President.

Van Buren rose to national prominence as a member of Andrew Jackson's Kitchen Cabinet, his personal cadre of advisors. The Whig Party were established in the US to oppose the Jackson administration and Van Buren beat the three candidates they put up nationwide in an attempt to reduce the Democrat vote.

His Presidency was largely uneventful but began with the Panic of 1837, an economic depression which ultimately led to the establishment of an independent Treasury. It also saw the second Seminole War and some more delicious ethnic cleansing of Native American tribes in the name of progress.

Van Buren also blocked the admission of Texas into the Union because their stance on slavery would have upset the balance established by the Missouri Compromise.

Van Buren served a single term as US President, unsuccessfully seeking re-election in both 1840 and 1844.

He was the second-shortest US President, standing 5 feet 6 inches. He is the only American President to have spoken English as a second language. His first language was Dutch.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 7: Andrew Jackson

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

With the fresh air gently feathering his balls, it's Andrew Jackson (1767-1845), the seventh President of the United States. Let's learn.


Born 15th March 1767, Waxhaws, North Carolina
Died 8th June 1845, Nashville, Tennessee

Presidential Term 4th March 1829 - 4th March 1837

Andrew Jackson was one of the most beloved Presidents in American history, the first to be elected due to his popularity rather than his politics. A distinguished soldier in the US military, by the 1812 War he had risen to the rank of Major General and his reputation was cemented when the forces he commanded defeated the English at the Battle of New Orleans in 1815. This took place several months after the Treaty of Gent had ended the 1812 War but they didn't have mobile phones or Twitter at that time and it took a while for the news to get through.

He was popularly known as Old Hickory, although this most likely had nothing to do with the dimensions of his penis.

Having narrowly lost out to John Quincy Adams in the 1824 Presidential election, Jackson received his party's nomination as their candidate for the 1828 election a full three years ahead of time.

Jackson was the second widower to serve as President of the United States. His wife, Rachel Donelson Jackson died a few months before he took office, perhaps as a result of an adultery scandal: Donelson had married Jackson in 1791 believing herself to be divorced but this was later proven to not be the case.

Jackson used his Presidential Veto more times than any of his predecessors, earning himself the moniker "King Andrew" among his critics.

Jackson was the first US President to be the subject of an attempted assassination. On 30th January 1835, unemployed house painter Richard Lawrence fired a gun at him as he was leaving a funeral held at the Capitol. Lawrence's gun misfired and Jackson took the opportunity to beat his assailant with his walking stick. The occasion left Jackson paranoid for the remainder of his life.

During Jackson's Presidency, the Union expanded to 26 member States, with the admission of Arkansas (1836) and Michigan (1837).

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 6: John Quincy Adams

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

The sixth President of the United States, which is six more items of clothing than he is wearing, was John Quincy Adams (1767-1848). Let's learn all about him.


Born 11th July 1767, Braintree, Massachusetts
Died 23rd February 1848, Washington D.C.

Presidential Term 4th March 1825 - 4th March 1829

John Quincy Adams was the son of John Adams, the second President of the United States. He was the first relative of a President to himself serve in that office. He spent much of his childhood in Europe, where his father was serving ambassadorial roles. He attended school in both Paris and Amsterdam. 

Quincy Adams' wife, Louisa Johnson Adams, was English. She remains the only non-US citizen to be the First Lady.

Perhaps owing to his background, Adams spent much of his early political career in Europe as the US Ambassador to the Netherlands. He also served as the chief negotiator for peace with the UK after the 1812 war.

Adams won one of the narrowest elections in American history. With electoral college votes tied, the decision on who the President would be fell to the House of Representatives. Some behind the scenes horse trading saw Adams get the nod from Andrew Jackson, despite Jackson winning more of the popular vote. This came to be known as the Corrupt Bargain.

As a result of the means of his election, Adams was a dead duck President, largely unable to get through any of his legislation due to a lack of support. He followed in his father's footsteps and became the second single-term President of the US. 

John Quincy Adams is the only US President to serve in the US Congress after his Presidency.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Thursday, 29 September 2016

Naked POTUS, number 5: James Monroe

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

In plain view, it's James Monroe (1758-1831), the fifth President of the United States. Let's find out about him:


Born 28th April 1758, Westmoreland County, Virginia
Died 4th July 1831, New York City, New York

Presidential Term 4th March 1817 - 4th March 1825

James Monroe was the third President of the United States to die on Independence Day, although not on Independence Day. The latter is a science-fiction action blockbuster film starring Will Smith. He was also the first American President to die outside his home State. Careless.

Monroe is primarily remembered for establishing the Monroe Doctrine, which still informs US foreign policy up to the present day. It stated that the American continents must no longer be considered as subjects for colonisation by foreign powers and that the United States had an important role in policing and defending this.

Monroe was a staunch anti-federalist and fought to enforce the right for individual States to pursue their own laws. Which is all very well until you get your cock out.

His Presidency was marked by a period of such stability and absence of partisanship that he stood unopposed at the 1820 Presidential Election, winning all but one Electoral College vote. Which was his wife's. 

Monroe was a former US Ambassador to France and was recalled to the United States by Thomas Jefferson to help negotiate the Louisiana Purchase. As a result of this vast territorial expansion, the Union duly expanded by five States during Monroe's Presidency: Mississippi (1817), Illinois and Alabama (both 1818), Maine (1820) and Missouri (1821). By the end of his term, the USA had 24 States.

Other notable events of the Monroe Presidency included the First Seminole War of 1817-18, where US troops quashed an uprising by Seminole Indians, who were invading Georgia from Spanish-held Florida. He also signed the Missouri Compromise, a document trying to balance the demands of slave States and non-slave States, which helped delay the outbreak of Civil War for several decades.

Liberia's capital city, Monrovia, is named for James Monroe.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.


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