Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Naked POTUS, number 40: Ronald Reagan

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

His nipples are clearly visible and he used to be a film actor, it is the 40th President of the United States, Ronald Reagan (1911-2004). Here's what he got up to:


Born 6th February 1911, Tampico, Illinois
Died 5th June 2004, Los Angeles, California

Presidential Term 20th January 1981 - 20th January 1989

Ronald Reagan was the first divorced man to have  been the President of the United States, having separated from Jane Wyman in 1949. Three years later he would marry Nancy Davis. He was also the oldest man elected to the US Presidency, a record since beaten by Donald Trump.

He is the only President to have been born in Illinois.

Prior to politics, Reagan was a sports announcer on a radio station in Des Moines, Iowa. He first rose to national prominence as an actor, after his then girlfriend convinced him to take a screen test at Warner Brothers, where he would make over fifty movies.

He became active in politics in the 1940s, becoming the head of the Screen Actors Guild in 1947. He also testified at Senator McCarthy's House Un-American Activities Committee, although refused to name any names.

Following his acting career, Reagan worked for General Electric as a spokesman and advertiser but left the role after GE demanded that he keep his growing interest in politics out of his personal appearances. His speech at the 1964 Republican National Convention, in support of candidate Barry Goldwater, thrust him to the forefront of Conservative politics in the United States.

In 1967, Reagan was elected Governor of California, a role he served until 1975. He attempted to win the Republican Presidential nomination in both 1968 and 1976.

Reagan was shot by John Hinckley, a mentally ill man who was trying to impress Jodie Foster, in Washington D.C. on 30th March 1981. The President suffered a collapsed lung but returned to full health.

The biggest crisis of his Presidency was the Iran Contra scandal. Money from illegal arms sales to Iran was given to guerilla fighters in the Nicaraguan civil war. Ultimately, an army Colonel, Oliver North, took the fall.

Reagan initially weathered a storm of escalation of Cold War tensions. These peaked in on 1st September 1983, when Korean Air flight 007 from New York to Seoul via Anchorage accidentally strayed into Soviet airspace and was shot down. However, following the appointment of Mikail Gorbachev as the Soviet Premier, relations quickly thawed. Reagan and Gorbachev signed major nuclear arms reduction treaties and the Soviet Union began to fragment.

His domestic economic policies, which came to be known as Reaganomics, helped to rejuvenate and consolidate America as the leading global power. All of this despite the obvious handicap of being an idiot. Reagan is now held up by Conservatives as one of the greatest American Presidents.

Reagan was the first person to serve out a full two-term Presidency since Dwight D. Eisenhower, 28 years beforehand.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 38: Gerald R. Ford

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

No-one asked him to be naked, but here he is. The 38th President of the United States, Gerald R. Ford (1913-2006). Here are the pertinent details:


Born 14th July 1913, Omaha, Nebraska
Died 26th December 2006, Rancho Mirage, California

Presidential Term 9th August 1974 - 20th January 1977

Gerald Ford attended college on an American Football scholarship and was offered the opportunity to turn professional. Instead, he decided to attend Yale Law School.

He saw action in the Philippines during World War 2. On his return to the United States he turned his efforts to politics. He was elected to the House of Representatives and would be re-elected on eleven other occasions.

Ford was a part of the Warren Commission on the Assassination of President Kennedy.

Gerald Ford is the only US President to have never been elected to either the Presidency or the Vice Presidency. He had been promoted to Vice President the year before Nixon's resignation after the elected incumbent Spiro Agnew was forced to resign due to his financial improprieties.

One of Gerald Ford's first actions as President was to officially pardon Richard Nixon.

Ford was subject to two assassination attempts, both in September 1974. On the 5th, Manson Family member Lynette Fromme tried to shoot him and on the 22nd Sara Jane Moore did likewise. On both occasions their firearm failed to function properly.

Gerald Ford's wife, Betty, established a famous addiction clinic in California after her husband's retirement from politics.

The R stood for Rudolph. He is the only President to come from Nebraska.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Tuesday, 29 November 2016

Naked POTUS, number 37: Richard M. Nixon

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Not a crook, it's the bare arsed 37th President of the United States, Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994). Here's some knowledge:


Born 9th January 1913, Yorba Linda, California
Died 22nd April 1994, New York City, New York

Presidential Term 20th January 1969 - 9th August 1974

Richard Nixon is the only US President to have been born in California. He studied and practised law before enlisting in the US Naval Reserve and serving in the Second World War. Upon his return to the United States he was elected to the House of Representatives in 1946 and the Senate in 1950, both times after tenacious and aggressively-fought campaigns.

He rose to national prominence during the House Un-American Activities Committee for his tireless pursuit of former Roosevelt aide Alger Hiss, suspected of Communist leanings.

Nixon served as the Vice President under Eisenhower from 1953 to 1961. He was the caretaker President for two months in the autumn of 1955 as Eisenhower recovered from a heart attack. Nominated as the Republican Party's candidate for the 1960 Presidential Election, he narrowly lost out to John F. Kennedy. Two years later he also missed on being elected as the Governor of California. After this defeat, he gave a bitter press conference, famously saying "you won't have Nixon to kick around any more".

During the 1960 campaign, Nixon took part in the first ever televised Presidential Election debate.

Nixon won two landslide election victories after he returned to front line politics in the late 1960s. His victory over George McGovern in 1972 was the most dominant election in American history: he won 49 States and 520 electoral votes, nearly double the amount required to win.

Nixon passed the 26th Amendment, allowing all citizens aged 18 and over to vote.

Nixon was the President when man first landed on the moon on 20th July 1969. In 1970, he created the Environmental Protection Agency. However, he also signed off on National Guard involvement in a student protest at Kent State University, in which 4 students were shot dead.

Nixon became the only President in history to resign from office on 9th August 1974. He was facing impeachment due to his administration's involvement in a break-in at Democratic Party national headquarters at the Watergate building in Washington D.C.

Nixon was the first US President to visit China, having also visited the Soviet Union whilst Vice President.

The M stood for Milhous.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 36: Lyndon B. Johnson

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Bum and balls flapping, it is the 36th President of the United States, Lyndon B. Johnson (1908-1973). This is all about him:


Born 27th August 1908, Stonewall, Texas
Died 22nd January 1973, Stonewall, Texas

Presidential Term 22nd November 1963 - 20th January 1969

Like his predecessor, Johnson was a decorated war hero: he won the Silver Star for gallantry while serving in the US Navy. Following his return to the USA, Johnson moved into politics.

Johnson won a seat in the US Senate in 1949. By 1955 he was the Majority Leader of the House, the youngest man ever to hold the position. He was the favourite for the Democratic Presidential nomination for 1960 but his refusal to leave the Senate to attend the  Primaries cost him dear: by the time of the Democratic Convention, John Kennedy enjoyed unstoppable momentum and support. Johnson was selected as the Vice President in order to appeal to the Southern States.

Upon Kennedy's death, Johnson became the seventh Vice President to be promoted to the top office. He had been two cars back from Kennedy in the Dallas motorcade and was sworn in as President on board Air Force One as it stood on the tarmac at Dallas Love Field airport.

Johnson's Presidency is notable for its social progressiveness as he continued the Kennedy administration's program of civil rights reform. In 1964 he signed the Civil Rights Act, making racial discrimination illegal in the USA.

Johnson was also responsible for the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which made any techniques of voting suppression illegal, and the Civil Rights Act of 1968, which made housing discrimination on racial grounds illegal. Johnson was perhaps the most progressive US President since Abraham Lincoln, a century before.

Johnson's own initiative was The Great Society, an umbrella of social reforms that included Medicare, Medicaid and environmental protection laws, in addition to civil rights reforms and a declaration of war on poverty in the US. As with all of his crusades, Johnson used his exhaustive network of political contacts, friends and colleagues to barter them into existence.

The war in Vietnam, a program that had been supported by the previous two US administrations, began in earnest under the Johnson government. Following the Gulf of Tonkin Incident on 2nd August 1964, Johnson finally formally committed US ground troops.

Johnson refused to stand for a third term of office at the 1968 election, stepping down in a speech to the nation on 31st March 1968. This was variously attributed to public anger over the escalating Vietnam War, his personal rivalry with Robert Kennedy (who had declared his candidacy for the top office earlier in the month) and fears about his own health - both his father and grandfather had died of a heart attack at the age of 64, which would be his own age at the end of his office.

Lyndon Johnson died of a heart attack in 1973, aged 64.

The B stood for Baines. His wife (Lady Bird), daughters (Lynda Bird and Luci Baines) and dog (Little Beagle) all shared his initials LBJ, which was also how he was popularly known.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Thursday, 10 November 2016

Naked POTUS, number 35: John F. Kennedy

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

The hope of a new generation of naked Americans, it is the 35th President of the United States John F. Kennedy (1917-1963). Here's the stuff to know:


Born 29th May 1917, Brookline, Massachusetts
Died 22nd November 1963, Dallas, Texas

Presidential Term 20th January 1961 - 22nd November 1963

Kennedy was the son of John Kennedy Sr, a diplomat who served as the Ambassador to Great Britain during the 1930s. Kennedy served under him as a graduate before the outbreak of hostilities. He was the first American President to have been born in the 20th Century.

Kennedy rose to national prominence during the war in the Pacific, winning the Navy and Marine Corps Medal for his actions in saving the crew of his small boat, PT-109 after it was scuttled by a Japanese destroyer. After his return and recuperation, Kennedy turned to politics.

Kennedy was elected to the House of Representatives in 1947 and to the Senate in 1953, winning an unlikely victory over Henry Cabot Lodge, who he would later appoint ambassador to Vietnam. Kennedy in fact never lost an election in which he was a candidate.

During the 1960 campaign, Kennedy took part in the first ever televised Presidential Election debate.

Kennedy is the only US President to have won a Pulitzer Prize. He received it for his book "Profiles In Courage", in 1957.

Kennedy spent his Presidency and life as a sickly man. He suffered from Addison's Disease, which required daily cortisone injections. He also had osteoporosis, which would frequently leave him in so much pain that he required a back brace in order to walk.

He was the first Roman Catholic to be elected President and the youngest person to be elected to the office, aged 43. He would later also become the youngest to die.

His Presidency was marked with turbulence at home and abroad. It began with the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba by CIA-backed Cuban rebels in 1961. The following year, the US discovered that the Soviet Union had installed nuclear missiles on Cuba, resulting in the Cuban Missile Crisis of October 1962, when the world came to the brink of nuclear war.

Domestically, the US was beset with Civil Rights struggles and the rise of the movement for change led by Martin Luther King.

Kennedy oversaw the beginning of the Vietnam War, which you may have heard of.

Kennedy was assassinated during a trip to Dallas in November 1963, shot by Lee Harvey Oswald with a sniper rifle from the sixth floor of an office building. He was the fourth President to be assassinated and the seventh to die in office.

The F stood for Fitzgerald. He almost certainly porked Marilyn Monroe. Like Warren G. Harding before him, Kennedy's wife was a very tolerant sort who was in full possession of the facts about her husband's indiscretions.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 34: Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Wary of the military industrial complex but obviously not carrying any weapons himself, it is the 34th President of the United States, Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969). Fact me do:


Born 14th October 1890, Denison, Texas
Died 28th March 1969, Washington D.C.

Presidential Term 20th January 1953 - 20th January 1961

Following on from Andrew Jackson and Ulysses S. Grant, Dwight Eisenhower was the third great popular military hero to be elected President of the United States. Eisenhower rose to prominence as the commander of the troops in the European theatre of the Second World War.

Although born in Texas, his family relocated to Abilene, Kansas a year after his birth, which became his home. He was originally named David Dwight, like his father and elder brother. This proved sufficiently gormless for his mother to quickly reverse his names.

Eisenhower, like Grant, attended West Point Military Academy. However, this was not the result of any great military ambition, rather it was in order that he might gain a good, free education. Initially his primary interest and focus was on playing American Football, though a potentially promising career was quickly ended by injury. Eisenhower spent 35 years in the army but retired having never seen active combat.

After the Second World War, Eisenhower was appointed Head of NATO by Harry S. Truman.

Though reluctant to enter public politics - having previously been invited to join the Democrats by President Truman - the advent of Senator Joseph McCarthy's anti-communist crusade and the candidacy of the isolationist, anti-NATO Senator Robert Taft (son of William Taft, 27th President of the United States) for the Republican nomination convinced him to act.

Eisenhower continued the Truman Doctrine in US foreign policy, which stated that the US had the right to defend any country that was being threatened by Communism. Eisenhower was notably anti-war in his overall policies, however, opting to retain the passive strategy of containment that had been begun by his predecessor.

Eisenhower was particularly concerned with the corrosive effect that excessive defence spending had on everyday life in American society, as well as it being used to gain power and influence in Washington via what he termed the Military-Industrial Complex. He favoured the maintenance of a strong nuclear capability so that spending on conventional weapons could be curbed in favour of civic projects.

Eisenhower suffered a heart attack in September 1955 and was forced to take two months off. His Vice President, Richard Nixon, was his caretaker.

Other key incidents of the Eisenhower Presidency include the U2 Spy Plane incident, where Gary Powers' U2 was shot down over the Soviet Union shortly before planned talks aimed at arms reduction; and Brown versus The Board of Education in Topeka, Kansas. This landmark legal decision forced the desegregation of all schools in the United States and began the turbulent Civil Rights struggle of the 1960s.

During Eisenhower's Presidency, the United States in its current form was completed with the admission to Statehood of Alaska and Hawaii in 1959.

The D stood for David.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 33: Harry S. Truman

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Atomic fresh and ready for anything Communism can throw, it is the 33rd President of the United States, Harry S. Truman (1884-1972). Facts:


Born 8th May 1884, Lamar, Missouri
Died 26th December 1972, Kansas City, Missouri

Presidential Term 12th April 1945 - 20th January 1953

Harry S. Truman grew up in Independence, Missouri. He remains the only US President to hail from that State. As a child he dreamt of becoming a concert pianist. His family were staunch segregationists. Truman's mother held John Wilkes Booth, Lincoln's assassin, up as a hero.

After graduating high school, Truman was unsuccessful for much of his early life. Having failed to finish his law degree due to a lack of money, Truman worked on the family farm until his father's death in 1914. By then aged 30 and eager to strike out on his own, Truman headed to Oklahoma. He first invested in a zinc mine and then in an oil expedition, both of which proved unsuccessful and left him close to broke. (The oil rig, bought by another company, ultimately bore fruit with some additional drilling. It would have made Truman's fortune had he persisted.)

Truman instead went to fight in the Great War, the only US President to have done so. He was virtually blind in one eye but learned the eye chart beforehand and was declared fit for duty. Upon his return to the United States, Truman opened a men's clothing shop. When this also failed it left him, aged 38, bankrupt and without employment.

It was not until he turned to politics that his fortunes began to change. Within ten years of being elected to the Senate, Truman had become President of the United States.

Truman had only been Vice President for 82 days when he was summoned to the White House to be informed of President Roosevelt's death. He had only met with Roosevelt twice during this time, having been chosen by the Democratic Party for the role rather than by the President himself.

Truman was the first person to sanction the use of nuclear weapons. The US dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima in Japan on 6th August 1945 and another at Nagasaki three days later, effectively ending the Second World War. Truman, largely sidelined from Roosevelt's inner circle, only discovered about the Manhattan Project several days after he had assumed the Presidency.

Truman's Presidency was marked by the new Cold War realities of the atomic age. The Korean War, the Soviet Union's own acquisition of nuclear weapons and Mao Tse-Tung's Communist uprising in China all destabilised the status quo. At home, Senator Joseph McCarthy of Wisconsin began his House Un-American Activities Committee to weed out Communist sympathisers and fifth columnists in American society.

Truman himself had invoked fears of the spread of Communism in order to suit his legislative agenda, in what came to be known as The Red Scare. The Truman doctrine argued that the United States had the right to intervene when a country abroad was threatened by Communist tyranny.

Truman took numerous steps towards civil rights in American society, including desegregating the US Army and being the first President to address the NAACP. He also passed the Marshall Plan, a major humanitarian aid effort for post-war Europe, in 1947.

In 1948, Truman won one of the most unlikely election victories in American history. The Republican candidate, Thomas Dewey, led the polls so strongly that Gallup ceased all polling activity a month before the election took place. Truman's energetic, cross-country campaign had won a wavering electorate over, thanks to aggressive challenges to the Republican Senators (who had blocked legislation he wished to pass and now used Truman's failure to do so to form their own manifesto pledges) as well as his progress on civil rights and support for the new state of Israel.

Truman was the subject of an attempted assassination on 1st November 1950. Puerto Rican nationals Oscar Collazo and Griselio Torresola stormed the Blair House in Washington D.C., where the Trumans were staying during the renovation of the White House with the intention of killing the President. Torresola and a policeman were killed during a gunfight but Collazo was captured and sentenced to death. However, Truman commuted his sentence to life in prison.

By the way, the initial in his name didn't stand for anything, making him the second US President to have a fake middle letter. Like the first, Ulysses Grant, he chose 'S'.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 32: Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

He is twice as naked as any other American President, it is the 32nd President of the United States, Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945). Here are the details:


Born 30th January 1882, Hyde Park, New York
Died 12th April 1945, Warms Springs, Georgia

Presidential Term 4th March 1933 - 12th April 1945

Roosevelt was born into considerable wealth and privilege in New York. His fifth cousin Theodore was the 26th President of the United States. Franklin studied law and practised as a lawyer before going in to politics.

By the outbreak of the Great War he was part of the apparatus of government, serving as the Assistant Secretary to the Navy and visiting the front line in France and Belgium during early 1918. Following the Wilson administration, Roosevelt was elected Governor of New York.

Roosevelt was crippled throughout his Presidency. He contracted polio during the summer of 1921 and was unable to walk unaided until the end of his life. However, this fact was artfully concealed from the majority of the American public.

Roosevelt devised and implemented The New Deal in order to create jobs, boost manufacturing and stimulate the US economy out of Depression. As part of the program, Mount Rushmore was completed in 1939.

One of Roosevelt's first acts as President was to pass the 21st Amendment, which repealed the 18th Amendment and ended Prohibition.

He is best remembered for being the President who took America into the Second World War. Roosevelt was pro-war but unable to raise enough popular sentiment until the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor on 7th December 1941. Before this he had been instrumental in the creation of the Lend Lease Act, which assisted Britain with food and materiel in their fight against Germany.

Roosevelt is the only US President to have served more than two terms of office. In the end he won four, although he died shortly after the beginning of his final term, which began on January 20th 1945. January 20th, now the traditional day of the Presidential Inauguration, became the date during the Roosevelt administration, after his re-election in 1936.

Roosevelt was the first American President to visit Russia, for the Yalta Conference in 1945. He was also the first American President to fly in an aeroplane during his term of office, although his cousin Theodore had done so while he was a private citizen.

Roosevelt was the seventh President to die in office. His health had been failing throughout much of the War years. He suffered a fatal cerebral haemmorhage at his holiday retreat at Warm Springs, Georgia on 12th April 1945, just four weeks before the end of hostilities in Europe.

The D stood for Delano, his mother's maiden name.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 31: Herbert Hoover

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Unable to afford clothes, it is the 31st President of the United States, Herbert Hoover (1874-1964). Let's absorb information:


Born 10th August 1874, West Point, Iowa
Died 20th October 1964, New York City, New York

Presidential Term 4th March 1929 - 4th March 1933

Herbert Hoover was the son of a blacksmith. He was the first Quaker to be the President of the United States and the only Chief Executive so far to have been born in Iowa.

He and his wife were in China during the Boxer Rebellion. During their escape back to the United States they became fluent in Mandarin and would often speak it later in the White House if they didn't want anyone to know what they were saying.

He is most famous for being the President during the Great Depression, which began after the Wall Street Crash on 24th October 1929. This made him a particularly unpopular President.

Hoover came out of retirement in 1946 to help co-ordinate post-war famine relief.

In spite of the fact that they had pretty much the exact same head, Herbert Hoover was no relation to the head of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Friday, 28 October 2016

Naked POTUS, number 30: Calvin Coolidge

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

He might be quiet, but I assure you that this is the naked 30th President of the United States, Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933). Here are the details:


Born 4th July 1872, Plymouth Notch, Vermont
Died 5th January 1933, Northampton, Massachusetts

Presidential Term 2nd August 1923 - 4th March 1929

Coolidge was the sixth Vice President to be promoted to President. In 1924, he became the second after Theodore Roosevelt to be elected to a second term of office.

He was the son of a storekeeper who was also a Justice of the Peace. Coolidge is the only President of the United States to have been born of the 4th of July.

His wife, Grace, was deaf. Their son Calvin Junior died of septicaemia after a blister he sustained playing tennis became infected while his father was the sitting President.

Coolidge was responsible for the passage of the 1924 Immigration Act, which limited the number of migrants to the United States to 150,000 per year.

He chose not to seek a third term of office, instead pursuing other interests. He was the chairman of the Railroad Commission, honorary president of the Society of the Blind and wrote a weekly newspaper column called "Calvin Coolidge Says".

He died of coronary thrombosis in 1933.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 29: Warren G. Harding

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Pictured here with no clothes on, his usual plumage, it is the 29th President of the United States Warren G. Harding (1865-1923). All about him:


Born 2nd November 1865, Corsica, Ohio
Died 2nd August 1923, San Francisco, California

Presidential Term 4th March 1921 - 2nd August 1923

Warren G. Harding was the son of two doctors, but he made his name as a newspaper editor and proprietor. He made his paper, The Marion Daily Star, into one of the largest in the country before he turned to politics.

Harding was the first US President to have been born post-American Civil War.

He was a divisive figure. Harding controversially filled his cabinet with close personal friends. The major fallout from this was the Teapot Dome scandal, where a Harding crony - Secretary of the Interior Albert Fall - secretly sold the oil rights to Teapot Dome, Wyoming in exchange for money and cattle.

Harding was a progressive, ordering that the White House and Washington D.C. be desegregated. He also pardoned the Communist politician Eugene V. Debs, imprisoned by his predecessor Woodrow Wilson for speaking out against the Great War. Harding was in fact responsible for ending that war: due to the US Senate's refusal to join the League of Nations, the conflict was not technically over until ratified by the US President.

Harding is best remembered for his magnificent sexual incontinence. He had a lengthy affair with Laurie Fulton Phillips, while another mistress Nan Fulton, sired him an illegitimate daughter. His wife was a peculiarly understanding woman.

Harding became the sixth US President to die in office. He had a heart attack while visiting San Francisco on 27th July 1923. Subsequent examination showed that he was also suffering from pneumonia and he died of a cerebral haemmorhage a week after he fell ill.

The G stood for Gamaliel.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 28: Woodrow Wilson

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Say it loud, he's naked (and white) and he's proud. It's the 28th President of the United States, Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924). Here are the details:


Born 28th December 1856, Staunton, Virginia
Died 3rd February 1924, Washington D.C.

Presidential Term 4th March 1913 - 4th March 1921

Woodrow Wilson was the first US President to have a Ph.D; he gained his in the study of Political Science at Johns Hopkins University. He gained national prominence as the progressive President of Princeton University.

Wilson passed the 17th and 18th Amendments to the US Constitution. The 17th made the election of members to the US Senate a matter for the popular vote. The 18th proved significantly less popular: in 1920 it outlawed the purchase or manufacture of alcoholic beverages.

Wilson's wife, Ellen, died from kidney failure on 5th August 1914, just days after Germany had declared war on Russia and invaded neutral Belgium, drawing Britain and France into the conflict and beginning the Great War.

During the Wilson Presidency, America found itself heavily involved in foreign affairs. The US Army overthrew Pancho Villa to quell the Mexican Rebellion in 1916.

He is best remembered for being the President who took the US into the Great War. Anti-German sentiment began to rise after their U-Boats sank the British passenger ship Lusitania, with many US citizens aboard. Wilson demanded that Germany cease their submarine warfare, severing diplomatic ties in protest in February 1917. The US formally entered the war on 6th April 1917.

Wilson became the second American President to win the Nobel Peace Prize in the conflict's aftermath for his efforts to form the League of Nations. Ironically, the United States would never join the League of Nations after the Senate opposed it. This diminished its importance and efficacy on the world stage and ultimately led to its collapse.

Wilson wasn't all wine and roses. He was a virulent racist who supported segregation and whose book "History of the American People" was quoted in D.W. Griffiths' infamous pro-Ku Klux Klan historical epic motion picture Birth of a Nation. Under the Wilson administration, Washington D.C. was re-segregated.

On 2nd October 1919, Wilson suffered a major stroke while visiting Pueblo, Colorado. This left him paralysed down his left side and a virtual recluse for the final year of his Presidency. Many of his duties were carried out in secret by his new first lady Edith, whom he had married in December 1915. Wilson never fully recovered and died three years after his term had ended.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 27: William H. Taft

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Your eyes don't deceive you, this really is the bath-fresh 27th President of the United States, William H. Taft (1857-1930). Fact:


Born 15th September 1857, Cincinatti, Ohio
Died 8th March 1930, Washington D.C.

Presidential Term 4th March 1909 - 4th March 1913

Taft came from a political family. His father helped found the Republican Party. Like his father, Taft was a lawyer before he began his own political career. He spent the early 20th Century as Theodore Roosevelt's Vice President.

Supported by Roosevelt, he won the 1908 Presidential election from William H. Bryan. His time in office was marked by a strong pursuance of the anti-Trust policies of his immediate predecessors.

During his Presidency, the 16th Amendment was added to the US Constitution, allowing the collection of Federal income taxes for the first time.

Taft presided over the completion of the 48 Contiguous United States, with the admission of New Mexico and Arizona to Statehood in 1912.

Taft (the 'H' stood for Howard) was the largest ever US President. He stood 1.82 metres in height and at his heaviest, weighed in at an enormous 332 lbs. He once got stuck in the White House's bathtub, forcing a larger model to be installed.

He was opposed by Roosevelt for the 1912 Presidential Election. T.R. went as far as to run against him for the Republican Party nomination, before forming his own rival party which allowed the Democrats to split the vote. Following his loss in the election, Taft returned to law. In 1821 he was appointed the United States' Chief Justice, where he served until a month before his death in 1830. Taft remains the only former Chief Executive to have held the role.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

337 songs that changed your life

Last Saturday evening, hungover to tits and listening to The Velvet Underground, the conversation turned to the maddeningly inexact science that is musical taste. As with any such discussion, the issue of the one song that you really cannot stand was never far from our thoughts.

In a moment of idle curiosity, I asked Twitter for some nominations.

The moment that torpedoed my next 72 hours

It is safe to say that I had never anticipated what would happen next. By Sunday afternoon, my Twitter notifications were giving me a microcosmic indication of what it might be like to be famous. It turns out that being famous isn't all cocaine and hookers: or rather, if it is, those people aren't on Twitter. You wouldn't have the time: it turns what is normally a desert of anguish and boredom into a full-time occupation. I tried to imagine what it would be like if a significant proportion of each new tranche of notifications were abusive, quickly concluding that it would be straight up bullshit. Gary Lineker is an admirable man.

If I'm honest, I expected my tweet to go much the same way as all the other 68-odd thousand I'd done: shout into the abyss, wait for echo, forget it entirely, repeat until death. This time, however, I had touched a nerve. The medium was prepared just right: time of day, day of the week and subject matter all made for an extremely fertile thread. Overwhelmingly so, at times.

However, it was all entirely positive. One hundred percent. Not one single response was even slightly antagonistic, let alone insulting or to tell me that I had done a poo on a football pitch. It was a reminder of the goodness in people, and that social media is just as capable of reflecting this goodness as it is the badness. The whole thing was a genuine pleasure and if you are one of the many people who contributed, thank you.

So far, 337 songs have been nominated for the list. Some have been mentioned countless times - countless because I didn't realise that I should probably have been counting them and now I just don't have the time nor the inclination to wade back through. Others are outliers, including some entries that provoked astonishment at their inclusion.

Overall, it is a thrilling glimpse into the fragility of the human mind. I hope that some people were heartened to find themselves a ready-made online support community while others were just able to get something off their chest. The resultant Spotify playlist, which I have called Kryptonite Songs, is perhaps the most tantalising song roulette anyone could ever play. If you are anything like me, you probably like a significant percentage of the following songs and can tolerate a large rump of the remainder. But it's in there, isn't it? Just waiting for you.

Without any further waffle from me, here is the list. Free from the (admittedly slim) restraints of Spotify's library, it appears in its unexpurgated form. There is one small rider to this, which is that I will have almost certainly forgotten to include some of the songs: things were coming so thick and fast on Sunday afternoon that in the time it took to write up the latest 50 replies, there would be 65 more. So, if I missed yours off, I apologise. However, the list - and my Twitter - remains open, so I can almost certainly be nudged to fix any mistakes. Finally, if you haven't contributed yet and would like to, the original Twitter thread can be found here, or you can leave your nomination in the comments below.

10cc – Dreadlock Holiday
10cc – I'm Not In Love
The 88 – At Least It Was Here
Ace Of Base - All That She Wants
The Animals – House of the Rising Sun

21 Pilots – Ride
The inclusion of this song riled up one respondent's teenage daughter. This delighted me: people were playing the Spotify list to their children. Hearts and minds.

4 Non Blondes - What's Up?

ABBA – Dancing Queen
I love this song. More updates on this as we get them.

Aerosmith – I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
Aerosmith – Janie's Got A Gun
Aerosmith. Music for people who like to be uplifted but hate music.

Akon – Lonely

Amy Grant – Big Yellow Taxi
The Big Yellow Taxi saga was interesting. Many replies just said "anything by [artist]" or "any version of [song]". Big Yellow Taxi, however, was unique. Initially picked with the stipulation that it was any except the Counting Crows version. Within an hour this, too, was on the list.

Andrew Gold – Lonely Boy
Anohni – 4 Degrees
Aqua – Lollipop (Candyman)
Artful Dodger ft. Craig David – Re Rewind

The B52's - Love Shack
Oh, this one is really, REALLY unpopular

B*Witched – C'est La Vie
Babybird – You're Gorgeous

Babylon Zoo – Spaceman
The most disappointing song of all time?

Bananarama - I Can't Help It
Band Aid – Do They Know It's Christmas?
Barry Manilow – Mandy

The Beatles - Across The Universe
The Beatles - Hey Jude
The Beatles - She's Leaving Home
The Beatles - When I'm 64
The Beatles - Yellow Submarine
The Beatles – Yesterday
The Beatles, objectively the greatest pop group in history. Just accept it. However, I can't particularly argue with any of these selections. 

The Beautiful South – Perfect 10

Bee Gees – More Than A Woman

Belinda Carlisle – Circle In The Sand
Belinda Carlisle – Heaven Is A Place On Earth
Belinda Carlisle – Leave The Light On For Me
Some have queried whether Belinda Carlisle deserved such shoddy treatment. But the people have spoken and what they said was, do our ears deserve such shoddy treatment?

Beyonce – Single Ladies
Billy Joel – My Life
Billy Joel – Piano Man
Billy Joel – Uptown Girl
Billy Ocean – When The Going Gets Tough The Tough Get Going
Billy Ray Cyrus – Achy Breaky Heart
Bjork - It's Oh So Quiet

Black Crowes – Hard To Handle
The person who nominated this song tells me it is an FM radio staple in America. No wonder things are getting so fraught over there.

Black Eyed Peas – I've Gotta Feeling
This is one of the most nominated songs. The level of angst that it inspires, if harnessed properly, could end our reliance on fossil fuels.

Black Lace – Agadoo

Blondie - Heart of Glass
Blondie – Rapture
I was glad these were nominated. It's nice to have some great songs in any playlist.

Blue Mink - Melting Pot
No argument.

The Bluebirds - Young At Heart

Blur - Song 2
Bobby McFerrin – Don't Worry Be Happy
Two songs by otherwise popular acts, completely ruined by their ubiquity.

Bobby Pickett - Monster Mash
Bon Jovi – Livin' On A Prayer
These two are on rotation as the elevator music in hell.

Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart
Brand New Heavies – Midnight At The Oasis
Bruce Hornsby – The Way It Is

Bryan Adams - Everything I Do, I Do It For You
Sixteen weeks at number 1. Sixteen! Someone must have been switching out the HRT pills for M&Ms that summer.

Bryan Adams - Summer of '69

Bryan Ferry – Let's Stick Together
Crap, warbled by a prick.

Buckcherry – Crazy Bitch

The Byrds – Mr. Tambourine Man
The worst band in history.

Callum Scott - Dancing On My Own
Carl Douglas – Kung Fu Fighting
Carly Simon – You're So Vain
Carly-Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe

The Carpenters – Yesterday Once More
A brother and sister, singing love songs to one another.

Catatonia – Road Rage
Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On
Chas & Dave – Rabbit

Cher - Believe
Dance music for people who don't like dance music.

Cher - The Shoop Shoop Song

Cher - Walking In Memphis
My own personal choice. A song of irredeemable awfulness.

Chris De Burgh – A Spaceman Came Travelling
Chris De Burgh – The Lady In Red
Run away!

Christina Aguilera - Lady Marmalade
Chumbawamba - Tubthumping

Cliff Richard – Mistletoe and Wine
Cliff Richard – The Millennium Prayer
The first Christmas songs on the list. They will not be the last.

Coldplay – Clocks
Coldplay – Yellow
Coldplay invoke all kinds of ire, but these were the only two specific songs chosen. (Update: someone nominated every single song Coldplay have recorded, in alphabetical order of the title. Is this what my life has become?)

Coolio ft. L.V. – Gangsta's Paradise
The Coral – In The Morning
Counting Crows – Big Yellow Taxi
Courtney Barnett – Pickles From The Jar
The Cranberries – Zombie

Crash Test Dummies – Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Hnngh hnngh hnngh hnngh.

Crazy Town – Butterfly
The stink of RHCP all over it. Music for the tattoo parlour where you caught hepatitis.

Crystal Waters - Gypsy Woman
Cutting Crew – (I Just) Died In Your Arms
Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Want To Have Fun
D:Ream – Things Can Only Get Better

Danny Wilson – Mary's Prayer
I'd forgotten about this one. One of my favourite choices on the list, it is a howler.

David Bowie – Across The Universe
David Bowie – The Jean Genie

Dead Or Alive – You Spin Me Round
The curse of 2016 stuck just a day later. Sorry, Pete.

Deee Lite – Groove Is In The Heart

Deep Blue Something – Breakfast At Tiffany's
Of all the songs nominated, this one inspired the most hatred and anger.

Des'ree - Life

Dexys Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen
A brilliant song by a brilliant band, so there.

Diana Ross – Chain Reaction
My mum's least favourite song.

Dire Straits – Money For Nothing
Dire Straits – Romeo and Juliet
Dire straights.

DJ Otzi – Hey Baby
Perhaps the only good argument as to why leaving the EU was a good idea after all.

Dobie Gray – Drift Away
Dodgy – Good Enough
Don McLean – American Pie

Doobie Brothers - What A Fool Believes
I sang this tunelessly the entire morning after it was mentioned. My wife left me.

Doop – Doop

Dream Academy – Life In A Northern Town
"President Kennedy... and The Beatles (scream)...". A sackcloth full of watery cum.

The Eagles – Hotel California
The other worst band in history.

Edwyn Collins – A Girl Like You
Eiffel 65 – Blue
Elbow - One Day Like This

Ellie Goulding – On My Mind
A friend played this to his 4-year old daughter. Her response? "Why's she saying that? This isn't even a song, dad".

Elton John – Candle In The Wind (1997)
Well, obvs.

Elton John – Crocodile Rock
Elton John – Your Song
Elvis Presley - Return To Sender
Eminem – Lose Yourself

Enigma – Sadness
For when your ambient dance track needs more Gregorian Chant.

Eve ft. Gwen Stefani – Let Me Blow Ya Mind

The theme tune from Everything's Rosie 
The curse of cBeebies.

Fairground Attraction – Perfect
Fountains of Wayne - Stacey's Mom
Frank Sinatra - My Way

The Fratellis – Chelsea Dagger
The sound of losing your virginity in a public toilet at a darts match as they counted up the results of the EU referendum.

Fun – Some Nights
Fun ft. Janelle Monae – We Are Young

Gary Puckett and Union Gap – Young Girl
A brilliant choice. I applaud whoever it was who suggested this one.

George Ezra – Drawing Board

Gerry & The Pacemakers – You'll Never Walk Alone
Full disclosure: the person who nominated this song's Twitter avatar is the badge of Everton Football Club. However, it all checks out. This song is bobbins.

Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street
Extraordinarily popular choice. Because no-one likes saxophones.

Glasvegas – Daddy's Gone

Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
The most nominated song to include the qualifier "I'm sure no-one else has said this, but..."

The Goo-Goo Dolls – Iris
Green Day – Good Riddance (Time of your Life)
Guns 'n' Roses – Sweet Child o Mine
Gwen Stefani – Hollaback Girl
Hinder – Lips Of An Angel

House of Pain - Jump Around
The early leader in the popular vote. The party song for people who don't go to parties.

Idina Menzel – Let It Go
Inner Circle - Sweat
The Jam - A Town Called Malice
James Blunt – You're Beautiful

James Brown – I Feel Good
Someone was obviously having a bad day.

Jamie Lawson – Wasn't Expecting That
Jamiroquai – Canned Heat
Janet Jackson – Rhythm Nation
Janis Joplin – Mercedes Benz

Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys – Empire State of Mind
Surprisingly, this is not on Spotify. So you all dodged a bullet there.

Jennifer Rush – The Power of Love
Jim Diamond – I Should Have Known Better
JJ Barrie – No Charge
Joe Dolce – Shaddap You Face
John Lennon – Imagine
John Mayer – Your Body Is A Wonderland
Joni Mitchell – Big Yellow Taxi

Journey – Don't Stop Believin'
I have a long-standing suspicion of songs with abbreviated words in their title.

Justin Bieber – Baby
Baby baby baby, ooh (repeat x1 fucking trillion)

Kate Nash – Foundations
Kate Tempest – Circles
Katie Melua – Closest Thing To Crazy
Katie Melua – Nine Million Bicycles

Katrina and the Waves – Walking On Sunshine
Some people don't like to be happy.

Katy Perry – California Gurls
Katy Perry – I Kissed A Girl
Katy Perry – Roar
Katy Perry has three songs on the list, representing 50% of her entire artistic output.

The Killers - Mr. Brightside
An outstandingly unpopular and awful record.

Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire

Kings Of Leon – Use Somebody
The La's – There She Goes
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance
Led Zeppelin – Stairway To Heaven
Leonard Cohen – Hallelujah

Lighthouse Family - Lifted
Lighthouse Family – Ocean Drive
The elevator music in Purgatory.

Limp Bizkit – My Generation
Lisa Stansfield – Around The World
Little Eva – The Locomotion
Lo-Fang – You're The One That I Want
Los Del Rio – Macarena
Lou Bega – Mambo No. 5
Lukas Graham – 7 Years

Lulu - Shout
Lulu - The Boat That I Row
Lulu is not nearly as popular as Absolutely Fabulous would have you believe.

Madness – Baggy Trousers
Madonna – Like A Virgin
MAGIC! - Rude

Manfred Mann's Earth Band – Blinded By The Light
A solid choice. 

Manic Street Preachers – SYMM
A song. About writing a song. About Hillsborough. A song about writing a song about Hillsborough.

Marc Cohn – Walking In Memphis
The worst song ever written, performed by the culprit.

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars – Uptown Funk

Maroon 5 – Animals
Maroon 5 – Moves Like Jagger
Maroon 5 – This Love
No-one likes Maroon 5.

Meatloaf – I'd Do Anything For Love
Do it and get off.

Meghan Trainor – All About That Bass
No treble?

Men At Work – Down Under
Mercury Rev - Goddess On A Hiway
Michael Buble – It's A Beautiful Day

Michael Jackson – Earth Song
Considering his enormous popularity, ubiquity and cultural significance, a surprising solitary vote for Michael Jackson. Then again, Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen didn't get any. But then again, neither of them recorded Earth Song.

MIKA – Grace Kelly

Mike and the Mechanics – The Living Years
This one made me nod my head so hard I think something broke off inside.

MN8 - I've Got A Little Something For You
Mousse T ft. Tom Jones – Sex Bomb
Mr. Big – To Be With You
Mumford and Sons – I Will Wait
Natasha Bedingfield – These Words

The New Radicals – You Only Get What You Give
Inspires nought but rage.

Nicki Minaj – Anaconda
Nickleback - Rockstar

Oasis - Champagne Supernova
I think the original nomination sums this one up better than I ever could:

Oasis - Shakermaker

Oasis - Wonderwall
One of the most nominated songs of them all. Is it because it has been over-played? Or just because it is shit? Or both?

Oasis – All Around The World
"IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS" argues the nominator.

Ocean Colour Scene – The Day We Caught The Train
Offspring - Come Out and Play

OMC – How Bizarre
This song inspires such ire that it renders a lot of people speechless.

Paolo Nutini – New Shoes
Paul McCartney – We All Stand Together
Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmastime

Peter Sarstedt – Where Do You Go To My Lovely?
An exceedingly popular choice.

Pharrell Williams – Happy

Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight
Phil Collins - You Can't Hurry Love
Phil Collins – Easy Lover
You couldn't not have a bit of Phil.

Picture House – Sunburst
The Pogues and Kirsty McColl - The Fairytale of New York
The Proclaimers – I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
The Prodigy – Firestarter

Psy - Gangnam Style
This song is the national anthem of the list.

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
Queen – Don't Stop Me Now
Queen – We Are The Champions
Queen – We Will Rock You
I like one of these songs, but you'll have to guess which one while I go and throw up.

R.E.M. - Shiny Happy People
My mate Kev's choice, the first song committed to the list.

Razorlight - America

Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Under The Bridge
"Whenever anyone hears a song and asks 'what is THIS shit?', the answer is always Red Hot Chilli Peppers"

Rednex – Cotton Eye Joe
The Cast of Rent – Seasons of Love
Reverend and The Makers – Heavyweight Champion of the World
Richard Harris – Macarthur Park
Ricky Martin – Livin' La Vida Loca
The Righteous Brothers – You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling
Rihanna – Take A Bow

Robbie Williams - Angels
Robbie Williams - Millennium
Robbie Williams - Rock DJ
Robbie Williams – Candy
Robbie Williams – Freedom
Robbie Williams – Mack The Knife
Robbie Williams – Rudebox
No-one has as many entries on this list than Robbie. He has touched many lives.

Robert Palmer - Addicted To Love
Robin S – Show Me Love

Robin Thicke – Blurred Lines
One of the most frequent choices. A dumb-as-shit, rape apologist, piece of fucking garbage sung by a peenarse.

The Cast of The Rocky Horror Show – The Time Warp

Rod Stewart – Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

Roy Orbison – Oh, Pretty Woman
Run DMC ft. Aerosmith – Walk This Way
Rupert Holmes - Escape
Sacred Reich - 31 Flavors
Sam Smith – Money On My Mind
Sandi Thom – I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker

Santana – Smooth
The soundtrack to trying to pick up a really runny dog shit.

Sash – Encore Un Fois

Savage Garden – Truly, Madly, Deeply
Music for, and by, virgins.

The Scorpions - Winds Of Change
The Scorpions – Still Loving You
The band that made people want to rebuild the Berlin Wall. Not on Spotify, you lucky people.

Scouting For Girls – She's So Lovely
The Script – The Man Who Couldn't Be Moved
Shaggy – It Wasn't Me

Shania Twain - Man! I Feel Like A Woman!
Songs with unnecessary exclamation marks in the title.

Shanice – I Love Your Smile

Shut Up And Dance – Raving I'm Raving
A rave track that samples Walking In Memphis. What's not to like?

Simply Red – Fairground
You know how smug Hucknall's face must have been when he finished this one. 

Simply Red – Stars
Sister Sledge - Frankie
Sixpence None The Richer – Kiss Me

Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody
I like this one and I don't care. Although, not in October.

Smash Mouth – All Star
Snap - Rhythm is a Dancer
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
Social Distortion - Story of my Life
Sophie Ellis Bextor – Murder On The Dancefloor

Space ft. Cerys Matthews – The Ballad of Tom Jones
No nomination made me laugh as much as this one. It is perfect, brilliant and entirely correct.

Spice Girls - Wannabe

The Spin Doctors – Two Princes
One of the most magnificently unpopular songs on the list. I guarantee that when I go back to Twitter after finishing this post, there'll be a new tweet nominating this. Probably with the word "fucking" in it.

Starship - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now
Starship – We Built This City
Stereophonics - Hurry Up and Wait
Stereophonics – Have A Nice Day
If you ever doubt how much people hate these two groups, just read the Twitter thread.

Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel - Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me)
Steve Miller Band - Abracadabra
Steve Walsh – I Found Lovin'

Stevie Wonder – I Just Called To Say I Love You
Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney – Ebony and Ivory
Perhaps the two most hateful songs ever written, for any fans of irony out there.

Stiltskin – Inside
The Stranglers – Golden Brown
Supertramp – The Logical Song
Survivor – Eye of the Tiger

Sweet – Wig Wam Bam
The fucking Sweet. The other, other worst band in history.

T'Pau – China In Your Hand
I like this, so nur.

Take That ft. Lulu – Relight My Fire
Tammy Wynette – Stand By Your Man

Taylor Swift – I Knew You Were Trouble
Taylor Swift – Shake It Off
Taylor Swift is not on Spotify so you won't be able to enjoy what a brilliant song Shake It Off is. Or how arse-clenchingly dreadful the other one is.

Terence Trent D'arby – Wishing Well

Terry Jacks – Seasons In The Sun
A tumour.

They Might Be Giants - Birdhouse In Your Soul
The inclusion of this one sparked controversy in my timeline, with calls to name and shame. Cards on the table, I like it. Many, many others do not.

Tina Turner – The Best

TLC – No Scrubs
Tom Petty – Free Fallin'
Tony Christie – Is This The Way To Amarillo?

Toploader - Dancing In The Moonlight
Hands down, this is the popular choice for the most hated song in history. The sound of Hard Brexit happening as Jamie Oliver runs over your dog in his VW camper van.

Traditional - Jerusalem
"...when it is sung by old posh ladies". 

Traditional - Little Drummer Boy
Traditional – I'm Proud To Be An American

Trio – Da Da Da
Twista ft. Anthony Hamilton – Sunshine

U2 – Beautiful Day
A song so cataclysmically awful that it drew the fire from the remainder of the U2 canon.

UB40 - Red Red Wine
Ultrabeat – Pretty Green Eyes
Ultravox – Vienna
Van Morrison - Brown-Eyed Girl
Vance Joy – Riptide

Waterboys – The Whole of the Moon
The overwhelming choice from Irish and Scottish respondents.

The Weathergirls – It's Raining Men
Westlife – You Raise Me Up
Wet Wet Wet – Love Is All Around
Wheatus – Teenage Dirtbag
Whigfield - Saturday Night

Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
My dad's least favourite song.

Wings – Mull Of Kintyre
Wizzard – I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

Yello – Oh Yeah
Oh no.


There continues to be significant interest in this project, significant enough to increase the 337 songs to 373 and then to 380. Which is more. For the benefit of science, here are the new entries:

Anohni - 4 Degrees
Basement Jaxx - Do Your Thing

The Beatles - Octopus's Garden
And yet, still nothing for Rocky Raccoon. Or Oh-Bla-Di, Oh-Bla-Dah. 

Benny Mardones - Into The Night
Beverly Knight - Shoulda Woulda Coulda
Billy Swan - I Can Help

Bran Van 3000 - Drinking In L.A.
Songs from adverts, a surefire recipe for resentment and anger.

Bros - When Will I Be Famous?
Caro Emerald - Liquid Lunch
Charlene - I've Never Been To Me
Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
Corinne Bailey-Rae - Put Your Records On
The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary
Donna Fargo - The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A.
Elton John - Passengers
Eternal - I Wanna Be The Only One

Europe - The Final Countdown
Dur dur dur dur, dur dur dur dur dur.

Flying Machine - Smile A Little Smile For Me
Fools Garden - Lemon Tree

Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax
Look, I don't choose these songs, OK?

Jeff Beck - Hi Ho Silver Lining
Although if I could, I would.

LMFAO - Sexy And I Know It
Madonna - Die Another Day

The Mavericks - Dance The Night Away
The creeping menace of modern country music.

M.C. Hammer - U Can't Touch This
Midnight Oil - Beds Are Burning
Nelly Furtado - I'm Like A Bird
Okkervil Rover - A Girl In Port
Outkast - Hey Ya!

Prefab Sprout - The King of Rock and Roll
Hot dog.

Procul Harem - A Whiter Shade of Pale
R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts
Rod Stewart - Sailing
The Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil
I fundamentally disagree with three out of these four choices. I will leave you to guess which is the odd one out. (It's Rod Stewart).

Sheryl Crow - All I Wanna Do
Stan Ridgway - Camouflage

Steve Winwood - Higher Love
Southern Sound FM, Woodingdean 1991, representing.

The Streets - Fit But You Know It
Swing Out Sister - Breakout
Tight Fit - The Lion Sleeps Tonight
I can see how these could wear you down.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

Naked POTUS, number 26: Theodore Roosevelt

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Neither a bull nor a moose, it is the 26th President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919), in the nip. Fact squad:


Born 27th October 1858, Manhattan, New York
Died 6th January 1919, Oyster Bay, New York

Presidential Term 14th September 1901 - 4th March 1909

Theodore Roosevelt had not been expected to survive his childhood due to his severe asthma. However, he built up his strength and confidence through the practice of boxing. Tirelessly energetic, he also spent his childhood - as well as the rest of his adult life - as a keen naturalist.

Roosevelt began in politics at an early age. He was already a US Senator when his first wife Alice died during the birth of their first child, also named Alice.

Roosevelt briefly resigned from politics in order to serve in the Spanish-American war, heading up a volunteer cavalry regiment that was known as the Rough Riders. On 1st July 1898, Roosevelt's men won a famous victory at the Battle of Kettle Hill.

Roosevelt was the fifth Vice President to have been promoted to the Presidency. At the time, he was also the youngest man to have served in the role.

His term was marked by stability at home and abroad, much to Roosevelt's chagrin. During his Presidency, the Panama Canal was constructed. He is mainly remembered for his contribution to foreign policy, coining the term "walk softly and carry a big stick". This was allied to The Roosevelt Corollary to the Monroe Doctrine: Monroe sought to prevent European expansion within the Americas, but Roosevelt expanded the scope to include intervention throughout the Western world. This mixture of a strong military and a brief to protect both the interests and ideals of the American people forms the basis of the United States' foreign policy to the present day.

For all his bullishness, Roosevelt was the first American President to win the Nobel Peace Prize, for his efforts in negotiating peace in the Russio-Japanese War of 1904-05.

In 1904, Roosevelt became the first promoted Vice President to win a Presidential election in his own right.

Upon winning the 1904 election, Roosevelt immediately announced he would not seek a further term.  He came to regard as this his greatest mistake. He found that he disagreed with the direction of his designated successor, William Taft. By 1912 he was seeking election again. Passed over by his Republican Party for the nomination, he formed his own Bull Moose Party. This considerably split the Republican vote but served only to allow the Democratic candidate Woodrow Wilson to win the Presidency.

During the 1912 campaign he was subject to an attempted assassination. A German immigrant, John Schrank, shot Roosevelt as he prepared to make a speech in New York City. The bullet deflected off of Roosevelt's spectacles case and fifty pages that made up his speech. Though injured by the attack, Roosevelt nevertheless spoke for an hour afterwards.

Roosevelt disappointed his many followers by disbanding the Bull Moose Party during the 1916 election season, recommending that they vote for the Republican candidate Charles E. Hughes.

Roosevelt was the first US President to own a motor car and the first to wear corrective eye glasses. He is the only 20th Century President to appear in effigy on the side of Mount Rushmore.

During his Presidency, Oklahoma was admitted to the Union in 1907, which now comprised of 46 constituents.

He was the uncle of Eleanor Roosevelt, future First Lady of the United States, and the fifth cousin of the 32nd President, Franklin Roosevelt.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 25: William McKinley

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Tell me where your clothes are, your clothes are, tell me where your clothes are Billy. It is the naked form of the 25th President of the United States, William McKinley (1843-1901). Let's learn:


Born 29th January 1843, Niles, Ohio
Died 14th September 1901, Buffalo, New York

Presidential Term 4th March 1897 - 14th September 1901

William McKinley, like Abraham Lincoln, was assassinated shortly after he began his second four year term as President. He was the third US President to be assassinated, all of them coming within a 36 year period.

McKinley was forced to drop out of college due to ill health. However, this did not prevent him from studying and practising law before he turned his attention to politics. He was first elected to the House of Representatives before he was elected Governor of Ohio, where he served until the Presidency.

Both of his Presidential election wins, in 1896 and 1900, saw him victorious over the Democratic candidate William J. Bryan.

Some notable events during the McKinley administration included the Annexation of Hawaii, the first step toward the island group's journey to Statehood. McKinley also oversaw the Spanish-American war of 1898, which began after the Spanish Navy sank the US Battleship Maine as it was moored in Havana harbour. McKinley was also responsible to tying the US Dollar to the Gold Standard.

William McKinley was the first American President to ride in a motor car.

McKinley was shot as he attended the Pan-American Exhibition in Buffalo, New York on 6th September 1901 by an anarchist Polish immigrant, Leon Czolgosz. He died eight days later. He was the first US President to have been assassinated outside of Washington D.C. Czolgosz was executed shortly after McKinley's death. He is the only Presidential assassin to have been executed in the electric chair and the most recent Presidential assassin to have been killed by the state.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 23: Benjamin Harrison

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Genetics proving a powerful force, it is the buff presence of the 23rd President of the United States, Benjamin Harrison (1833-1901). Let's learn:


Born 20th August 1833, North Bend, Ohio
Died 13th March, 1901, Indianapolis, Indiana

Presidential Term 4th March 1889 - 4th March 1893

Harrison came from a political dynasty: his father had sat in the House of Representatives and his grandfather was William H. Harrison, the 9th President of the United States.

Benjamin Harrison was luckier than his grandfather during his Presidential term. However, his wife Caroline was less so and died of tuberculosis four months before the end of his Presidency. Harrison would later remarry, choosing Caroline's niece, Mary.

Harrison's Presidency was notable for the growth in the size of the Union. Six States were admitted to the United States during the Harrison Administration, more than any other President. North and South Dakota, Montana and Washington all joined in 1889; Idaho and Wyoming in 1890.

Harrison addressed the increasing influence of Trusts in US politics by passing the Sherman Anti-Trust Act in 1890. However, his attempts to boost American engineering and production by introducing a 48% import duty on all foreign products upset consumers and crashed the economy, leading to the Panic of 1893.

Harrison was the first US President to benefit from electricity at home, installed in the White House in 1891.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 22 (and 24): Grover Cleveland

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Naked as the day he was born and looking decidedly non-consecutive, it is the twenty-second (and twenty-fourth) President of the United States, Grover Cleveland (1837-1908). Facts:


Born 18th March 1837, Caldwell, New Jersey
Died 24th June 1908, Princeton, New Jersey

Presidential Terms 4th March 1885 - 4th March 1889 and 4th March 1893 - 4th March 1897

As any fool know, Grover Cleveland is the only President of the United States to have served his two terms of office non-consecutively.

Cleveland was the son of a Presbyterian minister and he spend most of his childhood moving around New York State.

Cleveland is the only President of the United States to have gotten married during his term of office. He was wedded to Frances Folsom at the White House in 1886. Following Cleveland's death in 1908, Folsom would become the first former First Lady to remarry.

Grover Cleveland was the first Democratic President since Andrew Johnson, and the first elected Democratic President since James Buchanan.

He is remembered as one of the most diligent and morally unimpeachable American Presidents, frequently going against his party's line if they did not agree with his thinking. His particular eye for detail rubbed a number of Civil War veterans up the wrong way: he carefully studied all of the requests for pensions himself and angered many with refusals. Misuse of Federal funds was a growing problem and his particular bugbear.

He was especially unpopular with Tammany Hall, the Democratic political society formed in New York. They block voted to help deny Cleveland the 1888 election, won by Benjamin Harrison. They also tried to prevent his re-election in 1892 but narrowly failed.

Utah was admitted to the Union during Cleveland's second Presidential term, in 1896.

After his Presidency, Cleveland retired to sit on the board of trustees at Princeton University.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Naked POTUS, number 21: Chester A. Arthur

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Having been promoted from Vice President and possibly a little under-dressed, it is the 21st President of the United States, Chester A. Arthur (1829-1886). Facts:


Born 5th October 1829, Fairfield, Vermont
Died 18th November 1886, New York City, New York

Presidential Term 19th September 1881 - 4th March 1885

Chester A. Arthur became the fourth Vice President to be promoted to the top job following the assassination of James Garfield. It was a speedy turnaround in fortune for Arthur, who just three years previously had been stripped of his job as the Collector of the Port of New York by President Rutherford Hayes for taking bribes.

Arthur's father was a staunch abolitionist who founded the New York Anti-Slavery Society.

Arthur spent his Presidency as a widower. His wife died of pneumonia in 1880 and his sister served as the First Lady during his time in office.

He proved a divisive President. In 1882 he signed the Chinese Exclusion Act, which outlawed all Chinese immigration to the US for ten years, a compromise from the twenty years that Congress had been seeking. He also passed the Pendleton Act, which sought to modernise and reform the civil service. This proved to be such an unpopular move within his own party that he was denied the nomination for the 1884 Presidential Election.

Following his term of office, Arthur returned to his legal practice. However, he had spent much of his life in poor health with Bright's Disease and within 18 months of leaving the White House he had died of a stroke.

The A. stood for Alan.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.

Friday, 14 October 2016

Naked POTUS, number 20: James Garfield

"Even the President of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked" - BOB DYLAN

Fully pubic and ready for action, it's the twentieth President of the United States, James Garfield (1831-1881). The pertinent details:


Born 19th November 1831, Moreland Hills, Ohio
Died 19th September 1881, Elberon, New Jersey

Presidential Term 4th March 1881 - 19th September 1881

James Garfield's early life was marked by poverty. He was the last President of the United States to have been born in a log cabin.

Garfield was a staunch abolitionist and fought for the Union army during the Civil War, rising to the rank of Major General. After his military service, he turned back to a political career that the hostilities had interrupted: just before the outbreak of the conflict he had been elected to serve in the State Senate after a career in law.

He was part of the  panel that awarded the Presidency to Rutherford Hayes after the contentious 1876 election.

Garfield never had any intention of running for President. Having attended the Republican National Convention in his role as a party member, his ability to unite conflicting wings of the party saw him rise steadily to prominence. He emerged as their nominee on the 36th ballot.

Garfield's Presidency was shortlived. He was shot by a disgruntled and delusional civil servant, Charles Guiteau, at the Baltimore and Potomac Railway Station in Washington D.C. on 2nd July 1881. Guiteau believed that the President had welched on an agreement to make him the ambassador in Paris.

Unfortunately for Garfield, following his shooting he fell victim to the finest medical and scientific minds that America could produce. Having been prodded, probed, bled, blistered and even X-rayed by Alexander Graham Bell's new cutting edge invention, he eventually succumbed to blood poisoning 10 weeks after his shooting. A post mortem examination showed that the bullets had missed all his vital organs and, had he been spared the attempts to retrieve it, he would most likely have lived. He was the second President of the United States to be assassinated.

N.B. Some parts of the above image have been redacted by the CIA for reasons of national security. An unexpurgated version of all the naked Presidents will be made available at the end of the project.


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