Music is on its arse

Subjectivity sucks big fat meat-stench testicles. There always comes a time where there will become an objective truth so self-evident to every observer that nevertheless gets to escape ruthless punishment because it can hide behind arguments regarding taste and subjective value.

Music is appalling now. No-one's doing anything of any value. It's a great brown blancmange of auto-tuning and oh-so-tinny perfect beats, mass produced in a great sausage press.  No, it's even worse than a sausage press. At least a sausage press retains some secrets. There's no magic or mystery to music any more. We might speculate that the sausage we're eating is 90% cysts and fannies but unless you're actually privy to the factory's procedures you can't know for sure. Music now is manufactured before our very eyes.

It is ghastly, but it's not really a problem. We still have all the old music to listen to. That still retains all its own splendour and creativity. Not for nothing did the album charts suddenly fill up with 25-year old re-entries as soon as the rules were changed to make digital downloads eligible towards sales figures.

The problem, though, is that you can't replicate the shock of the new. Even someone hearing a great masterpiece of music for the first time will have to do so in a world which has already digested the innovation, absorbed it and - inevitably - commodotised the most commercially-viable elements into all manner of dreary conveyor belt pap pop.

As such, I present my five point guide to reinvigorating music into a long, long overdue renaissance of creativity, novelty and discovery.

1. No honkies - we all know that no good can come from white people making music. All of the best popular music has come entirely out of black culture. The only white artists who are worth a damn are the ones who are completely aware of that fact and tip more than just a hat in its direction.
2. No release - all new albums will be presented to an independent panel (yeah, me, why not). If it is worse than pre-existing records already in circulation it will be destroyed with fire and bees.
3. Bring back Tony Wilson - he'd know what to do
4. House bands - All the old soul music factories mass-produced pop songs for the kids, but they were brilliant and not shit. Reason: house bands. Actual bands playing the music, rather than some spotty oik in a studio putting down a bassline and then manually correcting every note on a computer, get a funky fucker with an afro, a purple velvet suit and a spliff on to lay that shit down, warts and all.
5. Make Toots Hibbert the Education Secretary - unless he's busy, when Lee "Scratch" Perry would do very nicely as a replacement.

You're welcome.

If you would like to listen to something which is both new and good, I suggest you could listen to Richard Tingley's Variety Hour Podcast, now featuring elements of my obsessive compulsive list-making behaviour.

Full online integration

It would be rather remiss of me to not point you in the direction of my sidebar, so that you might have a look at my links. I am often adding new ones, but even the old faithfuls are there for a very good reason. The one I am particularly keen for you to try out this week: Versus Sexboat, the venerable home of the podcast that I make in varying states of consciousness with 5olly and Betsy.

Today saw the excitement of the release of our second podcast, and it's even better than the first! If you can even imagine such a thing being possible.

Also this week, why not give Megan Belcher a visit, and have a look at her new series about great movie monsters? This is a rhetorical question, as I am sure you will all do this.

Sunday evening round-up of new things

Hello. Today is one of those days that I am spreading myself thinly, like the serving suggestion on a jar of Marmite. I'm everywhere, folks.

Firstly, I have collaborated once more with 5olly and Betsy on another podcast. However, unlike our previous efforts which were to be honest the outpourings of purely diseased maniacs (plus Betsy), this new one has a theme and a structure and 5olly even did some editing on it. It's a bit rough and ready as many first things can be but given the fact that we refuse to even contemplate doing any project until we're good and drunk, that's only to be expected.

It also features: a technical hitch which, due to dumb luck, probably proved to be the best thing that could have happened; 5olly and Betsy's cat Jerry asking to be let out; me receiving a text message, the unmistakable sounds of me eating tablet, 5olly cracking a tube of amber fluid and Betsy demonstrating once again that the world of librarians gain is the voiceover world's loss.

Anyway, our podcast addresses the thorny issue of how to decide which film to watch if they are both rated the same as each other by the esteemed organ, IMDb.com and is called Versus Sexboat for reasons which will become tragically apparent very quickly.

You can listen to and download our efforts here: Grease Vs. Sexboat.

We are sorry. But not sorry enough to not be planning more episodes in the future.

Edit: Versus Sexboat now has its own exclusive site, which you can see here: Versus Sexboat

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Also this weekend saw the launch of the new online art phenomenon, Draw Me A Daltrey. Anyone ever wanting the definitive gallery of Roger Daltrey portraits need look no further than this collection. As well as perusing their site and submitting your own Daltrey, you can also follow them on Twitter here.

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In a final magnificent twist, today also say the publication of this mighty anthology of questions and answers to which I contributed in varying states of sobriety last weekend. But as it is on Pleasing To A Mollbird and I have now told you several times you should be reading that blog, you will surely already know this, yes? Anyway, please read that and add your own answers to the questions in the comments section. Be warned, though, many of those questions are actually deceptively simple, and in fact represent deeply philosophical and existential quandries.