Sunday, 5 August 2012

Dotlympics 2012: Day 9


I'm watching some horse sport. It's terrifying. At a time when people are discussing what a difference a year makes - suddenly we're not doing a riot any more and we all love Team GB hooray - it is a timely reminder of the delicate threads by which peace and stability hang. Because if I were a horse, I'd form a union and go out on strike at the very least.

For a start, these horses are out there busting their hump - note to competitors: if your horse actually does have a busted hump then it is a camel and you may well be disqualified for infringing rule 10.1.3 Useage Of Camels - but it is the posh person sat on their back who get given a medal. No such luck for the horse, who are lucky to be given a carrot or some oats. Some people have argued, what use would a horse have for an Olympic medal? My argument is, what use does a person have for an Olympic medal? All it proves is that you excelled in the Olympic Games. Are horses not allowed to do that?

Equal rights for horses. #equinerights

But it gets worse for these pitiable nags.The jumps that some of them are being asked to do in the showjumping event are quite literally impossible. Vertical. Think north face of the Eiger. One of them, the water jump, features a pool that is slightly wider than the English Channel at its narrowest point. Maybe they're supposed to be grateful that it isn't as steep? But it's hard to feel a great deal of gratitude when you're then expected to take a flying leap over a 1:1 scale model of the entire City of London.

All of this for a bag of carrots? Don't be surprised if you see a horse occupying Hackney Starbucks tomorrow, eating all the muffins.

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