Wednesday, 14 December 2016

Favourite films

Six weeks ago, I asked Twitter what the song they most disliked was. The response was overwhelming. As an indication of what I mean by this, consider the following fact: my use of social media is not usually the start of a chain of events wherein I am asked if I want to appear on Australian television.

Quite undeterred, last week I asked Twitter what, in a free space with no judgement, people consider their favourite film to be. Not the one that they think is the best or the most artistically worthy; the one that they love above all others and could watch again and again, regardless of time or situation. While the uptake on this query was distinctly more manageable, I did nevertheless receive a fair number of responses and (with just a couple of exceptions) there was very little duplication. The result was a respectably girthy list of films. 

I'm confident, thanks to the number of titles and the variety of theme and style, that there is bound to be something in there for everyone to wallow in when you aren't having the best of days. Say, for instance, if your mum died and then Donald Trump was elected President of Earth a week and a half later. That is just an example scenario off the top of my head, I am sure there are as many iterations of shit days as there are movies.

Without further ado, here is the list. It is presented in alphabetical order and, as with the Kryptonite Songs before, the annotations are mine and do not represent the views of the BBC. There will inevitably be spoilers, so that's your warning for that. 

As always, if you think that your favourite comfort blanket movie is missing, you can add it in the comments below.

Aliens
Sigourney Weaver, having survived the initial trauma of battling with an alien, ends up on an exomoon that is positively teeming with them. Terrifying chaos ensues.

As Good as it Gets
Crabby author Jack Nicholson finds his humanity from looking after his gay neighbour's dog, before copping off with the only waitress in his local coffee shop who will still speak to him.

Back to The Future
Maniac scientist Christopher Lloyd converts a Delorean motor car into a nuclear-powered time machine. Consequently, Michael J. Fox almost has sex with his own mum.

Beaches
Two women become friends as children and then remain friends throughout their adult lives, until one of them dies of cancer.

Beverly Hills Cop II
Upon discovering that the chief of police who he infuriated in the first film had been shot by a gang of jewel thieves, Eddie Murphy returns to Los Angeles to solve the case, something seemingly beyond every police officer in the whole city.

Blazing Saddles
Wanting to build a railroad through a town of recalcitrant frontier types and hopeful that their innate racism will force them to flee, Harvey Korman sends a slave due to be hanged in to be their new sheriff. Chaos, farting and Hitler ensues.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Outlaws Paul Newman and Robert Redford are forced to flee to Bolivia to escape the old bill.

Caddyshack
A teenage boy who works as a golf caddy to pay for his college education falls under the spell of messianic golfer Chevy Chase after he is entered to play in a golf tournament. Gophers ensue.




Con Air
US Marshall Nicolas Cage is trying to get home aboard a prisoner transport plane when Ving Rhames, John Malkovich and Mykelti Williamson break free and cause havoc.

Congo
Laura Linney travels to Africa to find a millionaire's son and his diamond expedition team, but instead discovers that they have somehow taught gorillas to talk.

Die Hard
Bruce Willis travels to Los Angeles on Christmas Eve to meet up with his estranged wife for the holidays, only to find himself the sole line of defence against a group of highly-organised terrorist thieves.

Die Hard with a Vengeance
Bruce Willis is singled out by the leader of a terrorist group at large in New York City and forced to play a game of Simon Says while they rob the Federal Reserve.

Double Indemnity
Insurance salesman Fred MacMurray is convinced by Barbara Stanwyck that they should do away with her wealthy husband and pocket the payout. Unfortunately his mentor Edward G. Robinson smells a rat.

Dumb and Dumber
Two complete idiots stumble into a kidnapping plot, completely unbeknownst to themselves. They instead try to cop off with women while urinating and defecating freely.

Ghostbusters (1984)
Four idiots establish an extermination service for supernatural entities, quite coincidentally at the exact moment that a Sumerian demigod tries to take over the universe via an apartment building in New York City.

Grosse Point Blank
Professional assassin John Cusack returns to his home town to attend his school reunion and cops off with Minnie Driver despite the attentions of hitman Dan Aykroyd.

Groundhog Day
Crabby TV weatherman Bill Murray finds himself forced to live the exact same day over and over again until he is able to find the strength within himself to stop being such a mard arse.

Hard Target
Jean-Claude Van Damme hunts down a rogue Vietnam veteran who hunts homeless people for sport in New Orleans and kicks the shit out of him.

Harold and Maude
A suicidal 20-year old man meets a fun-loving 80-year old woman at a funeral and they get off with each other.

High Society
Socialite Bing Crosby still has the hots for his ex-wife, Grace Kelly. Unfortunately she is engaged to be married to John Lund. When newspaper reporter Frank Sinatra arrives to cover the wedding and also falls for Kelly, the three men all try and win her hand.

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
Staggeringly, the McCallister parents manage to leave their child on his own over the Christmas period yet again, allowing Macauley Culkin to meet Donald Trump and re-engage his blood feud with crooks Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

The new police chief of a small island community beloved of holidaymakers finds the preparations for Independence Day seriously stymied by the arrival of an insatiably hungry great white shark.

La Haine
When French police brutally beat a young Arab in Paris it sparks a riot. The victims three friends try to deal with their feelings about the issue, until they find a gun.

Local Hero
Sent by Burt Lancaster to buy out a small Scottish village, oil executive Peter Riegert is forced to reconsider his life choices after he meets all the inhabitants.

Lost In Translation
Craggly, pissed off movie star Bill Murray meets discontented newlywed Scarlett Johansson in Tokyo and the two form an intimate bond.

Mary Poppins
Horrible parents Karen Dotrice and Matthew Garber appoint a new nanny for their horrible snot-nosed children and it turns out to be Mary fucking Poppins. Magical shindigs and universal suffrage ensues.

Midnight Run
Joe Pantolino engages the services of bounty hunter Robert De Niro to locate mob accountant Charles Grodin. The seemingly simple job is complicated when it turns out that both the mob and the FBI are also on Grodin's trail.

Murder on the Orient Express (1974)
Hercule Poirot's journey home on the Orient Express is severely disrupted when a fellow passenger is murdered and an all-star cast of Hollywood superstars are all suspects.

Muriel's Wedding
ABBA-loving social outcast Toni Collette dreams of getting married but her overbearing father won't even let her out on a date. When Collette meets fellow dweeb Rachel Griffiths, the pair move to Sydney and chase their dreams.

A bookshop owner from the titular area of London finds his life changed forever after a chance meeting with the world's most famous film star, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he is, himself, Hugh Grant.

Once Upon a Time in the West
Rail baron Gabriele Ferzetti is after the land around the town of Flagstone so sends Henry Fonda to scare off the owner, which he achieves by killing him and blaming it on an outlaw. Things are further complicated by the arrival of Jason Robards and Charles Bronson. As they would be.

Performance
James Fox is forced to flee after killing a rival in self-defence, winding up at the house of a washed up rock star, played by Michael "Mick" Jagger. Drugs ensue.

Point Break (1991)
FBI agent Keanu Reeves infiltrates a gang of infamous bank robbers who wear the masks of US Presidents to do their job and discovers that they are in fact a group of beach bum surfers led by Patrick Swayze who rob banks for the thrill alone. 

Robocop (1987)
Omni Consumer Products win the contract to run crime-fighting cyborgs in a dystopian city of Detroit, luring police officer Peter Weller into a fatal confrontation so that they can use his body to test their technology. Unfortunately for them, Weller learns the truth and kicks some ass.

Saving Private Ryan
Army Captain Tom Hanks is sent behind German lines after the D-Day landings to locate Matt Damon, who has been ordered home on compassionate grounds following the death of his three brothers. Absolute bloody hell ensues.

Kevin Spacey puts Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box and does six other equally bad things, pursued by mismatched New York detectives Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman.

Simple Men
Flat broke New York crook Robert Burke is out of options so finds his philosophy graduate brother Bill Sage and the two embark on a cross-country mission to find their father, a professional baseball player-turned-terrorist kingpin.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
William Shatner is brought face to face with old enemy Ricardo Montalban, leading to an intergalactic showdown. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN ensues.



The Big Lebowski
A layabout tries to seek compensation for the fact someone has urinated on his rug, while increasingly strange and annoying people prat about all around him.

The Family (2013)
Mobster Robert De Niro enters Witness Protection after grassing up all his Mafia cohorts and is relocated to a town in France, where FBI handler Tommy Lee Jones tries forlornly to keep De Niro and his family out of mischief.

The Goonies
A bunch of insufferable little pricks go on a quest to discover what the X marks on a treasure map they have found. Alas, some criminals have had the same idea.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
Hapless detective Leslie Nielsen accidentally foils business tycoon Ricardo Montalban's plot to assassinate notable public figures using hypnotic mind control techniques, while simultaneously romancing Montalban's secretary, Priscilla Presley.

The Princess Bride
Princess Robin Wright falls for her grunt farmhand Cary Elwes, but is betrothed to marry a Crown Prince. However, after she is kidnapped by the unlikely unit of Wallace Shawn, Mandy Patinkin and André the Giant, she is able to follow her heart's desires.

The Shawshank Redemption
A man wrongfully imprisoned for murdering his wife discovers how to make chess pieces from rocks, that the prison governor is an arsehole and, eventually, how to escape from the nick.

The Thing (1982)
A scientific expedition to Antarctica is damn nearly spoilt by the emergence of a shape-shifting alien life form which is hungry for delicious human flesh. Abject terror ensues.

The Untouchables
Mafia kingpin Al Capone (Robert De Niro) has his bootleg alcohol empire disrupted by the arrival of unimpeachably scrupulous FBI prohibition agent Elliot Ness (Kevin Costner), determined to bring about Capone's demise.

Thelma & Louise
Meek housewife Geena Davis joins her spunky and independent friend Susan Sarandon on a weekend fishing trip. However, when Sarandon kills a man who tries to rape Davis at a bar, their holiday turns into a cross-country flight from the FBI.

Young men explore their sexuality while also defending the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise with state-of-the-art fighter jets.

Top Secret!
Pop star Val Kilmer travels to East Germany to perform at a music festival but finds himself romantically entwined with  Lucy Gutteridge, who it turns out is an agent in the anti-government resistance.

Uncle Buck (1989)
A family emergency forces parents Elaine Bromka and Garrett M. Brown to leave their children in the care of Brown's shambolic brother, John Candy, who is forced to curb the worst of his dissolute bachelor ways to care for the needs of his niece and nephew.

Wayne's World
TV executive Rob Lowe tries to take Mike Myers and Dana Carvey's public access show to commercial television. However, the pair discover that success is not all they bargained for, particularly after Lowe steals Myers' musician girlfriend Tia Carrere.

Where Eagles Dare
Allied soldiers attempt to rescue a general being held at a fort in the Bavarian Alps. However, once they parachute deep into enemy territory, they discover there is a traitor among their number.

In 1969, two penniless out-of-work actors from London go on holiday to an uncle's cottage in Penrith; where they drink heavily and one of them nearly gets bummed.

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