Thursday 19 February 2009

The burgeoning TV career of Piers Morgan

Like many Britons, I have managed to keep my enthusiasm for Piers Morgan in check for many, many years. However, he's become somewhat ubiquitous on telly now, with ITV1 deciding he's the ideal frontman for their most intellectually stimulating programmes, i.e. those ones with adverbs in. With his latest offering - Piers Morgan Interviews D-List Celebrities and Makes Them Cry - beginning this weekend, I thought I would take the opportunity to offer my ideas for his subsequent project.

The Road to Wigan Piers
Piers Morgan attempts to find the Greater Manchester town by driving a classic car down six British thoroughfares, meeting fascinating people on the way, before eventually finding out that the road to Wigan is the A49, off junction 25 of the M6.

Blackpool Has Three Piers
Piers Morgan spends the summer in a horse-drawn caravan in the Lancashire resort, finding things which Blackpool has no more or less than three of. Excitement ensues in episode 2 (of three) when Piers thinks he's found three food processing factories but one of them turns out to be just in Fleetwood.

Earn The Respect of Your Piers
Piers Morgan takes on the Alan Sugar role, as he judges the efforts of 12 budding national newspaper editors. Over 10 action-packed weeks, Piers guides the hopefuls through a series of weekly challenges such as: printing a ludicrously anachronistic piece of petty jingoism on the front page, and publishing a waspishly judgemental criticism of British army personnel in Iraq based on photographs which turn out to be a hoax, all in the mistaken impression that your newspaper is a weighty and substantial political player on account of the fact it doesn't print topless women on page three. Then printing a grovelling apology. Then being sacked.

Victorian Piers
Following on from the success of the BBC's Three Men in a Boat strand, Piers Morgan, along with two mates called Victor and Ian, go on a canal barge holiday around the UK proving that they are all one of the lads by lighting their farts.

Pea Ears Piers
Piers Morgan sticks a load of peas in his ears...

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