Monday, 16 July 2012

Celebrity spotting masterclass

There are people who walk among us who are very adept at spotting celebrities. Celebrities are people who are better than us, so the people who can spot them are also very blessed. I represent neither group.

Holy crap, I think it's Zoƫ Ball!

Some people are just unlucky. Some people live in the wrong place. It's hard to spot celebrities if you live on Sark, for instance. However, I have no such excuses. I am just such an addled, clouded and brain-fugged numpty that I am simply incapable of registering what is going on in front of my eyes. I now present evidence of this complete lack of cerebral function for illustrative purposes.

Hatherley: elusive
Celebrity one: Charlotte Hatherley

CLAIM TO FAME
Popular musician, former guitar player with the group Ash.
ENCOUNTER
Sunday 17th June 2012.
LOCATION
The Garage, Highbury - at the Ash 20th birthday party gig, where to be honest one might be expecting to run into people who are affiliated with the above act.
DISTANCE
No more than 18 inches.
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES
I was looking the other way.

Buxton: stealthy
Celebrity two: Adam Buxton

CLAIM TO FAME
Radio and television presenter, actor and comedian. All-round renaissance man. Furry superhero. And one of my favourite funny people.
ENCOUNTER
Sunday 17th June 2012.
LOCATION
Ash20, The Garage, Highbury.
DISTANCE
No more than a foot. We may even have touched.
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES
I was looking for Charlotte Hatherley.

Izzard: practically a ninja
Celebrity three: Eddie Izzard

CLAIM TO FAME
Britain's most internationally famous stand-up comedian of all time, actor on stage, television and big screen.
ENCOUNTER
Sunday 15th July 2012.
LOCATION
De La Warr Pavilion, Bexhill-on-Sea
DISTANCE
10 feet
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES
Very few. I was on the roof of the De La Warr Pavilion looking at the Italian Job-themed art installation, surrounded by the paraphernalia - cameras, lights, stage, refreshments - of the show that Izzard was to play in that location that very evening. My girlfriend also said to me, "look, there's Eddie Izzard". What part of all of that failed to sink in, I am unsure.

The Olympic Torch relay passes through where I live today. I am in two minds as to whether or not I should go to see it, largely because I will probably miss it. Even if it sets fire to my sleeve.

CONCLUSION AND SUMMARY
I am a fucking idiot.

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