Olympic Trials

I pity the poor Londoner, so out of touch with the ways of the modern world. They are all kicking up such a lot of mountains out of so few mole hills, folks. The baffled and bewildered pearly kings and queens from the big smoke don't seem to realise that, obviously, if you want to host the sports day, then there are a few things that are going to have to change. Hopefully the whole experience will leave our gor blimey brethren more in touch with common sense security procedures and more willing to adapt.

When you delve into it a little deeper, you see how much fuss is being made over nothing. Life goes on as usual in the capital except for the following changes:

• No buses
• No trains
• No tube
• No-one to go out after 10 p.m.
• No-one in East London allowed out until after October
• Anyone living within 5 miles of Stratford to have ICBMs installed on roof
• Duke of Edinburgh allowed to carry an elephant gun

It's a tempest in a tea cup by anyone's standards, and I'm pretty sure the Duke of Edinburgh was allowed to wander about with an elephant gun even beforehand.

However, there's always some moaners who, as soon as depleted uranium-tipped warheads are strapped to the walls and ceilings of their home, start darkly muttering about wanting to get out of the city until the Olympics and subsequent invasion of Iran is over. This could lead to a potentially critical refugee situation for the people who live in the outlying areas.

Some good eating on one of these beauties

For those concerned about it but whose councils have so far refused to put surface-to-cockney missiles on the roof of their housing, I present this handy guide to Londoner prevention.

1. Confuse the Londoner - charging them under £4 for a drink should see them bewilderedly counting their change for long enough that you can wee in their shoes.
2. If you suspect someone of being a Londoner, get a tracking device on them by secreting one in a plate of tasty jellied eels. Londoners cannot resist their slippery goodness.
3. Claim that you ARE still in London. This may only work for places in Kent, Surrey, Hertfordshire, Essex or Middlesex. By the time they've reached Berwick-upon-Tweed the jig may well be up. In which case:
4. Hide up a tree.

Remember, the Londoner is more scared of you than you are of the Londoner, so treat them kindly. Not least because they are pissed off and have fucking missiles attached to their house.