Friday 16 January 2009

Four things

I'm not going to sit here and claim to be one of those easy-going people. I'm not. I'm a total grouch. However, I like to arrange the things which annoy me into lists, which gives the impression of a zen-like calm. Whereas actually I'm furious.

Four Things Which REALLY Annoy Me

1. Dog poo on the beach

Maybe this would be all right on the Côte d'Azur. A freshly-spun brown trout probably shows up quite well against miles and miles of golden, sandy beach. However, in Sussex, as any fool know, the beaches are made up of pebbles. Pebbles which tend to be a range of greys, whites, blues and, yes, browns. There was some consternation when moves were made by Brighton and Hove council to ban dogs from Brighton beach. However, I think it's a good idea. OK, it's unfair on the proportion of dog owners who clean up after their pet (≤ 0.9%?), but it saves the rest of us a faecal beach.

2. Spitting

Oh my word, how I hate spitting. Oh, man. If you have ever just gobbed on the street for no other reason than that you fancied a good spit, I almost certainly hate you. Some commentators blame professional footballers for this. While it's true to say that they are all gob fountains, I believe it's possible to watch something and then not go on and do it yourself. The badly brought-up, ill-mannered, filthy, cunts.

3a. Cyclists who ride along the road until they get to a traffic light

We've all seen these arseholes. As soon as the red light goes up, they decide that the rules of the road suddenly don't apply to them. Some of them even go onto the pavement, to emphasise the fact that, at the moment that being a road vehicle doesn't suit them any more, they can switch back to being a pedestrian. I'd like to see it written into the Highway Code that all motorists are permitted in law to drive into these cyclists when they catch them up again on the other side of the lights.

3b. Cycle lanes on pavements

What in the gods is going on? Maybe we should have lanes for everyone on promenades. One for pedestrians, one for dogs, a thin one for snakes, one for HGVs. Actually, there's already a special lane for HGVs and other motorised vehicles. It's pretty extensive, too - it goes all over the country. A cyclist is not a pedestrian, people. We footbound souls already have to suffer their venal behaviour enough as it is (see 3a). Worse still, these bastards have the nerve to get antsy if people walk in their precious cycle lane. Joke's on them - last night I fingered their mum.

3c. Cyclists

Basically, yes.

4. Ludicrous security precautions

It's human to want to protect yourself and your loved ones. However, you can go too far. Big Alsatian? Fair enough. Big gun? Maybe not. A country with a standing army is a sound precaution. A country with a multinational strategic missile defence system has probably taken things into the realm of psychosis.

If you are out today, I guarantee you'll see at least one example of someone having gone equally insane, but on a more local level. Someone with a steering wheel lock on their 1993 Vauxhall Nova. However, my current beef is rather more personal, and pertains to a neighbour's security light. You know the ones, they operate on a circuit which detects movement. In principle, it's a reasonable idea. I actually think it would be a good idea for streetlighting in smaller towns or rural areas, to help save energy. However, this neighbour's security light is like nothing I've ever seen before. Well, actually, I tell a lie there, it's like one thing I've seen before. I see it every day, in fact. The sun. This thing could floodlight a football pitch. I am seriously considering the possibility of a garden party, knowing full well all I'd have to ensure is a few cats wandering around on the other side of the fence to make it almost like daylight. This light's awesome power is such that I can see it throwing shadows on houses 100 yards away. As soon as it's triggered, birds start singing. For a security light, you might think that brighter is better, but again, this has taken it too far. Because if you try and get a look at anyone this bulb illuminates, you'll burn out your retinas. At which stage, it becomes particularly easy for someone to rob you.

Yes, the cat, or leaf, or gust of fucking wind, to rob you.

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