Wednesday 14 January 2009

Shit, everywhere

In the dim distant past, back in the days when I was closer to birth than I was to death and the sun always shone, the world was covered in dog turds. Every pavement you trod, or park you frequented were heaving under the weight of the brown gold. It was not pleasant. Luckily, local councils agreed with this sentiment, and took action. Fines were issued for dog owners who didn't wipe their filthy pet's bot bot. Receptacles for neatly packaged up bags of dog poo sprung up everywhere, just in time for your senile old gran to post her letters in them. Society was working.

In recent years, however, things have broken down. I think everyone got tired. The councils got tired of enforcing the rules, the dog owners got tired of picking up warm trouts off of the dirty ground. Indeed, the only party here who has not emerged from the whole revolution in any way fatigued is the dog, who continue to shit and woof with flying colours.

Whatever the reason, the world is rapidly becoming festooned with shite again, and I'm not fucking happy about it. Dog owners will happily sit there telling you about how sociable their pets are, how sociable activity dog ownership is, dogs dogs dogs, society society society. Why is it, then, that so many of these bastards are so wretchedly anti-social? Maybe they're not, maybe they think we like hopscotching our way around a Crapton Factor obstacle course every time we set foot outside the front door? Perhaps they consider it the very cherry on the top of my day to see the shizzle of their particular dizzle.

Because, you see, in my view, the sort of person who isn't willing to pick up dog shit is the exact type of person who is not a suitable dog owner. Actually, someone who isn't willing to clean up after an animal should never have a pet, it's as simple as that. However, as unpleasant as a brimming cat litter tray or manky rabbit hutch is, it's very much your problem. Dog owners like to make it everyone else's. Joy.

I'm as much to blame for this as these filthy, disgusting, ammoral cunts, though. Well, actually I'm not. They are the scum of the earth. However, every time I see a dog log out and the owner just leave it there without saying anything, or calling a constable, or pushing their FUCKING FACE IN IT, I am complicit with the dog owners' insidious plan to turn Great Britain into a huge pile of turds visible from space. I know I have to try harder to take a stand. However, it's a scary thing to do. At best, it's socially awkward and moderately confrontational, at worst it could prove dangerous. Basically, it's not going to work and I'm doomed to tread in heaving great piles for ever and ever.

But at least I protested about it. Here, where no-one will read it. Take that, society.


Anonymous said...

You see, I'm a perfect pet owner. As proven by my willingness to clean up cat shit on my birthday.

Smallbrainfield said...

Last summer I made my wife stand in the street with a dog walker while I ran home and got a plastic bag for him to put his doggy's freshly laid egg in. (It was right outside the school and he clearly wasn't going to pick it up. ) He was very apologetic about his lack of bag and made embarrassed small-talk with the missus while I ran home and back. I was triumphant. I felt like Barack Obama making cancer illegal or something.


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